Dear Wooooo,

Montreal is a third world nation when it comes to fast food. We got our first Taco Bell last year. We have McDonald’s, Burger King, Wendy’s but seriously, I want TGIFriday’s, Chili’s et al. I have to drive to Vermont to get that shit, although Burlington, VT is hard. True story. If I liked kids I’d have some and raise them there. But I hate kids. They’re always leaking clear goo. Not jokes. Next time you’re near a baby look at its nose and mouth. $50 says there’s a substance oozing out. Filth. Yeah, yeah I was once a baby and I probably leaked clear crap too but now I’m 26 and can control my drool and boogers. I might have Ryan Adams’ baby if he asked. I love his music. That’d be one fucked up child though. I should call my therapist.

I’m a horrible person but I’m guessing you caught all that already. I also suffer from OCD but not like wash your hands every 5 minutes OCD the other kind where I hate everyone and want to not touch things. Oh and I cry a lot, especially during NFL games. And plus I’m a pessimist. Not like one of those piece of shit hipsters who are all like “I’m so cynical and jaded because I’m 27 and an artist and I listen to Leonard Cohen on vinyl in my loft that my parents pay for.” FYmotherfuckingI, if you can openly classify yourself as cynical and jaded you are not cynical and jaded; you’re a pretentious prick.
When I was twelve the self-hatred began. I still hate myself now, the only difference is I have a University degree and my own car. It could be creative Jew thing. It is my understanding that all creative Jews hate themselves which makes us great writers, actors, directors and…accountants. Am I right, Seth Rogan?

We’re having this meteorological apocalypse. The problem with Montreal is when it snows it’s like not a big deal. Everywhere else in North America with the exception of Buffalo and maybe Green Bay (Brett Favre thank you for retiring. You annoy me.) Places shut down when there’s even one fleury. No, not in Mount Real. I’m stupid pissed because they, whoever the fuck they are, are projecting snow for the next 7 days. I’m already suffering from the winter of my discontent but I feel like I’m stuck in a halfway house for the year 1997 but 1997′s been on heroin since 1996 and keeps stealing money out of your purse to score junk. And you’re all like “Come on 1997, it’s time to get clean already”. And 1997′s all like “Fuck you, you don’t own me. I don’t see no rings on these fingers. I’m a be where I’m at!” (Eddie Murphyism) So you wrestle 1997 to the floor and yell “This is for your own good 1997!” You hold 1997 down and call the authorities. They come and take 1997 to Le Cirque lodge in Utah where the Lohan faux rehabbed but 1997 ends up escaping and comes back acting like nothing happened and steals money from your purse again.

Uh yeah, I’m a writer* and want to write for Wooooo. You’ll probably just post this email on your website and with the heading “Look what this crazy bitch from Montreal has to say” but it’s worth a shot.

Sincerely,
Elisabeth Galina

Whoa!
This book is awesome. You should read it! It’s all about this dude riding his trumpet around the world. Amazing stuff.

DOUCHE BAGS!

When I was a kid there was this church on the corner and it had a massive sign out the front that they would write christiany stuff on. One time the sign said ‘Guess who’s coming?’ They were talking about Jesus. Jesus was coming.
But someone spray painted ‘Pearl Jam’ at the bottom… which was true.

So good…

And the award for ‘most wrongest shit we’ve seen this week’ goes to…