You may remember, back in issue #5 (remember issue #5?), I was working on a novel.
Well, in case you haven’t heard, President Faggot Cat got canned. Turns out smoldering Jimmy Smitts don’t like stories about himself having sex with incumbent felines.
I know, it’s absolutely ridiculous! It’s not like no one knows about his ‘cat thing’
Anyway, I’ve got a new book in the works now. It’s about a psychic frog that plays mandolin and lives up Kiefer Sutherland’s ass. It’s called Song Of The Ass Frog and it’s bound to be a hit! Three different publishers have caught wind of it, and are now in a savage bidding war for the rights! Here’s what I got so far-

Keifer Sutherland lay in bed staring at the ceiling.
It was 5am and he couldn’t sleep. He hadn’t slept all night. “I can’t sleep.” he murmured
“I just- can’t- sleep…”
Daylight was gathering at the edge of his curtains, and the first birds of the day had timidly begun calling out to one another. Kiefer had to be on set in two hours to shoot an episode of 24, and he’d been awake all night long, staring into the dark, thinking and thinking and thinking…
Thinking “Why the heck didn’t I agree to do an interview with Wooooo Magazine?”
Why indeed? When his agent, presumably, called to inform him that Wooooo had requested an interview he’d said- “Huh? Wooooo? What’s Wooooo? Come on Annet, I’m way too busy for this shit.” He winced at his words as they played over in his mind.
“Why didn’t I just do it?” he thought “If I’d just said ‘yes’ and taken ten minutes out of my presumably hectic schedule to talk to those guys, to talk for a mere ten minutes on the phone, I wouldn’t be appearing in this book about me having a singing prophet frog living up my ass.”
Just then the frog awoke and began to tune his mandolin. “Do-Re-Me-Faaaaah! Good morning Mr. Sutherland! I predict a very busy day for us both!” Keifer let out a long defeated sigh- “Good morning frog, why do you predict a busy day?” “Well” Chimed the muffled voice of the frog “I had a vision!” Sutherland pulled a pillow over his face and began to weep. “Don’t cry Mr. Sutherland,” pleaded the frog “Shall I sing a merry song to lift your spirits?” “NOOOOOOOOOO” cried Keifer from beneath his pillow “WHY CAN”T YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE?! YOUR KILLING ME! GET OUT OF MY ASS!” “Please Mr. Sutherland” begged the frog, but he was cut short “Please just get… out… of my ass… please…” Keifer was really bawling now, but I guess he should of thought about that before being a stone-bummer and not doing an interview with us… Assuming his agent actually told him we wanted one…

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