New York winters suck. It’s amazing how hard they suck. And every winter I say right out loud to anyone who can hear past the chattering of their own teeth- “I will not be here for this bullshit next year!” Then, eventually, spring rolls into town and I forget the horrors of winter, I forget that my legs become itchy, chalky poles, I forget the stinging face and the running eyes, the filthy mounds of black snow that line the streets, I forget the guilt that hounds you for fifteen steps after you see a shoeless homeless person freezing to death. I forget winter, and like that imprudent little squirrel from the story ‘The Imprudent Little Squirrel.’ – I forget to make plans to get away the next winter.
But not this year. This year I’m going to Miami for the Art Fair even if I have to hitch, which is how it’s looking right now, and I’m going to get a tan and I’m going to really, really enjoy myself even if it means sacrificing other peoples jubilation at the altar of my own. It’s going to be awesome, supernaturally awesome, and I won’t be looking at any art, art equals thinking and that’d be a stone-bummer. I’ll while away my days by sneaking into hotel pools and tabbing drinks to strangers rooms, and at night, after flimflamming my way into every single party I can, I’ll retire to some lonely stretch of beach and make a little fire, cook some ramen noodles under the stars and then let the booming surf lull me to slumber. When the sun rises I’ll bathe in the sea and my factor 247 hangover will be swept away with the tide, then I’ll wander toward town, perhaps meeting a friendly hippy couple with a campervan along the way. Naturally they’ll cook me up the best organic Irish breakfast of my life- eggs, coffee, all the fix’ns, then over a few lazy bongs they’ll tell me about the 60’s. I’ll tell them my ‘runaway’ story and they’ll probably recommend I call my folks and then present me with a dream-catcher. “Far out you guys!” I’ll groggily exclaim, then we’ll have a group hug and I’ll be on my way. When I’m a safe distance down the beach I’ll go “Pfffff!” and toss the dream-catcher into the sea.
Eventually I’ll arrive on the main part of South Beach, and review the morning’s titties for a time, then gradually make my way poolside at some random hotel and order a cubalibre. Yea, I’ll order many a cubalibre and within an hour become almost too drunk to stagger over to the pool for a piss, but I’ll make it, and I’ll make friends in the shallow end to boot! “Good morning ladies, another beautiful day in paradise, no?”
Of course I’ll be recognized as the charming bon vivant that I am and be invited to the penthouse for a heavy afternoon of cocaine abuse and water sports with two airline stewardesses, then just as the sun goes down I’ll head out for yet another evening of high chicanery and undue hedonism on the party trail.
Meanwhile the New York winter can suck my sweet, sun-kissed balls.

Wooooo #6 is like a popsicle stick in our throat right now. It’s so close to completion and publication… Just you wait.
In the meantime here is an interview with Martha Plimpton from the now unavailable Wooooo #4. We’re hoping this’ll buy you off for a little while…

Ding-Dong!
Hello?
Hi Martha!
Oh Jason! Welcome! Come on in!
Wow! Your house is fucking gorgeous!
It’s great to see you. Yeah, it’s a bit of a mess. We’re in the middle of painting right now, but come on in. Can I make you a cup of coffee?
You got any schnapps?
Sure. Fantastic!
Okay let’s get started. So you’re a scorpio?
Yes.
Nice. These are my icebreakers, by the way, are you ready?
Yes!
In the movie The Goonies you played Stef Stienbrenner, and the role demanded that you make out with Corey Feldman.
Well, “make out” is a little bit much. “Make out” is going a little far.
You had to touch lips though.
Well, just for a half a second.
How was his breath?
I imagine it was fine but I don’t know because neither of us opened our mouths and I didn’t breath in.
Well what about in the movie Parenthood? you made out with Keanu Reeves.
Did I?
Yeah!
Did we end up making out in that movie?
I think so.
I don’t know if we actually make out in it. I don’t know if we actually did.
How was his breath?
It was excellent.
Did you make out with Lili Taylor in I Shot Andy Warhol?
Yes, we did. We…well, I don’t think we made out…mainly I just fondled her um, her breasts…
How were her breasts?
They were great! I don’t remember that much because I was on a lot of Xanax.
Why?
Because I was so nervous. It’s funny that you’re asking about that, because I was just talking to my boyfriend about that last night. I was so nervous about that scene I had to take a Xanax.
Really?
Yeah, I was petrified.
Why? Just because…
Because I had to be topless! And pretending to be having sex with a lady.
Oh…
And I had to touch her on her boobies!
That’s awful.
Lili was tense too. We were both kinda nervous.
That’s pretty demanding acting though, right?
It is. Yeah, it is. I don’t care what anyone says, it is, unless you’re Angelina Jolie and you’re some kind of ‘adventuress’ in that kinda way.
Is that a real word?
That’s a good one! ‘Adventuress.’

Your Uncle is David Carradine.
Yeah.
The actor most famous for his role in Kung Fu.
Indeed, and Kill Bill.
How’s his breath?
Oh ‘how’s his breath’—you’re into breath! What’s going on here?
These are my icebreakers, I…
Are you having some bad breath issues?
You tell me: Hhhhhhhhhh
You’re okay.
I got a big hole in my tooth but I stuffed it with Mentos before I came over.
Oh.
Your mum was in the original broadway cast of Hair, which is amazing.
Oh yeah, cool, it is amazing.
How’s her breath?
My mother’s breath is fantastic.
Was your dad in that as well ?
Yeah! That’s where they met, that’s why I’m alive.
That’s amazing!
Yeah, I would not be alive if it wasn’t for that show.
So your parents are kinda hippies.
Yeah, they were at the time a little bit. Showbiz hippies, you know? So not quite all the way.
Far out man.
We didn’t do any commune living or any shit like that.
Didn’t go off with the Maharashi or anything?
No, no, no.
In the documentary Searching for Debra Winger you expressed how pissed you are about Hollywood losing interest in an actress once she’s past the age of, in you words, “fuckability.”
I think that was actually Ally Sheedy’s word.
Do you think she was talking about ‘the change?’
Menopause?
Yeah, I guess so, is that what it is?
‘The change?’ Yeah.
And that means you don’t want to have sex anymore.
No! That’s not true! That’s a myth. Haven’t you read any Germaine Greer?
No! What for?! I’m a dude! Wait, does that mean my mum’s still doing it?
She might be.
I hope not. That’s disgusting.
You might want to consult her about it. Some people say that women get more of an urge after menopause.
Really?
Mm-hmm.
I thought that once you stopped being fertile you lost all interest in doing it because…you know…your body stops making eggs?
Well you’re born with a certain amount of eggs. You’re born with a fixed amount. You never make more.
Right.
So you run out—you stop ovulating.
And then…and then that’s it.
That’s it, that’s it, no more babies.
But why would you want to keep having sex after that? If I stopped making sperm I wouldn’t have anything to look forward to. I’d lose interest, I think. I mean, if a man runs out of his gear, then…I don’t know.
I don’t know about that but I’ve got another 30 more years before I have to worry about it, I hope.
Can we do another interview then?
Yes. Count me in on that.

In the movie 200 cigarettes you’ve got a major boner for Elvis Costello.
Yes!
How do you feel about him in real life?
Oh my God! It’s one of the reasons I did that movie.
Because you’re a big fan.
I’m such a big fan of his and have been since I was a teenager.
Was that really him at the end of the movie?
Oh yeah, totally. And in fact, I don’t know if you remember, but during the credits they show a bunch of Polaroids of all the different cast members at my party…
Oh yeah! And you’re passed out in all of them, you miss your own party!
Yeah, and there’s the shots of me passed out and he’s holding me?
Yeah, yeah, that was hilarious.
It was awesome right? And they weren’t gonna fly me back to do those but I insisted!
They had to.
They had to, they had to fly me back to do those.
That was really clever, that bit.
Oh my God, it was so exciting and I was so out of my mind. You know how you expect when you meet one of your heroes that…
They might suck?
Yeah. No! I mean, you’re gonna have all these questions and you’re so psyched to meet them and you’re going to want to ask them so many things like, (in nerdy fan-out voice) ‘On this album when you did this and blah-blah-blah….’ You know what I mean?
Of course. Did you do it?
I finally met him and I literally could not speak a word.
Same thing happened to me with David Bowie, he just went all quiet.
Really?
Yeah.
Your whole vocabulary just goes. Anyway, he was wearing this hat, right? Cause he’s always wearing these pork-pie hats and ahh, we were all done and he was done and he was leaving…
Yeah.
And in his dressing room I got him to sign one of my records. I had one of his records and…
Which one?
The record I had with me was Goodbye Cruel World, which I wanted him to sign because it seemed like, sort of the weirdest one.
Okay.
And it actually turned out to be the weirdest one, because he signed it and he was like “Whoa! Nobody has this record.” So that was kinda cool.
That’s cool!
Yeah, it was kinda exciting, and ah…so he left and I went into his dressing room and I took a piece of toilet paper and I dabbed the sweat off of the inside of his hat (the hat wardrobe had given him for the shoot).
You did not. You did not steal Elvis Costello’s head sweat.
And I kept it, and it’s in the record sleeve…I totally kept it.
Have you still got it?
Uh-huh.
Oh my God!
I know, I know, it’s such a crazy fan thing to do, but I really, really…
You love him.
Oh yeah, he’s totally up there with the greatest, greatest of the greats to me.
How was his breath?
FANTASTIC!
Okay, time for some Goonies-related questions.
Okay.
Sorry.
It’s okay.

Whatever happened to Laurence “Chunk” Cohen?
Oh! Jeff Cohen, I think he’s an entertainment lawyer now.
Really?
Yeah. All that stuff can be found out on the Goonies DVD, we did the commentary for that about four years ago.
What happens with that? You just watch the movie and chat, right?
Yeah, you’re in a studio watching the movie, and they record you talking over it. And in the case of The Goonies they recorded Corey Feldman talking over it.
Was no one else there but Corey Feldman?
No, everyone else was there but it’s hard to get a word in edge-wise with Corey.
You weren’t allowed to see the pirate ship until the final scene.
We weren’t allowed to see it until we were actually shooting it.
Right.
We weren’t allowed too see it so they could film our reaction to seeing it for the first time.
But they had to re-shoot, because apparently you exclaimed “Jesus, mother of fuck!” when you saw it. True?
I said “Jesus, mother of fuck?”
That’s what I heard, and then they had to re-shoot that scene again.
I don’t think that happened.
Can I ask you something?
Sure.
Most child actors become pretty fucked up people, but you turned out alright. Why?
I don’t know. I don’t know if I turned out alright. That remains to be seen.
Well you seem alright.
I’ve got a few years to go.
You think you’re gonna freak out in like ten years or something?
I might, I might lose it.
No.
In the next two or three years, keep your eye out, we don’t know what’s gonna happen.
C’mon.
I don’t know, I guess I never really had enough money to get into drugs…
Well here’s hoping your career doesn’t suddenly skyrocket.
Yeah, let’s hope. Yes. Let’s cross our fingers so I don’t reach any level of success.
I’m a total underachiever for that reason as well.
Good.
If I can afford rehab I can afford a drug problem.
Exactly.
So anyway, thanks for having me over.
Jason, I’m delighted you were able to come over.
Do you think that maybe next time you could put some clothes on?
Sure.