Archive for January, 2009
Heat wave in Australia. Yesterday it got up to around 115 degrees! The train lines are buckling, the power is going out and old folks are dropping like flies.
I feel pretty shitty about that recent post (below) where I bitch about the cold… I also feel bad about that post from yesterday about the crazy guy in Florida. I took it down. Just plain mean.
Saw this amazing cover over at Pacific Standard and had to rip it off, it’s brilliant.
The new issue of Wooooo is arriving in a couple of weeks! We’re having a launch party and you’re invited to get horribly drunk with us.
That’s all for today. Have to go swap a cow for some magic beans.
Read the rest of this entry
Winter is the worst piece of shit season ever. You can’t ride a bike, you can’t skate, you have to wear a big, dumb coat every-single-day, it’s just gross.
And when people get all yin-yang and say stuff like, “If we didn’t have winter we wouldn’t appreciate summer.” I feel like punching them square in the cock. Idiots.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again- I wish Jack Frost were a real person so I could scissor kick him in the neck. I wish I could take a flying kick from the top of a stairwell and snap winter’s spine in half, that’s how much I hate winter.
Here’s a dragster bus. Wait, no. Here’s some animals bumping themselves off.
Have we talked about ‘The Doors Stage’ before? It’s that pretentious little phase you go through when your about 15 because no one understands you except Jim Morrison. You start burning incense, writing poetry and being a regular little gloomster-douche.
I had a heeaaavy Doors stage, grew my hair long, carried around an unread copy of Thus Spake Zarathustra and projected a wholly counterfeit broodiness that drove the girls at school nuts. Unfortunately I was too caught up in my own ‘What’s it all about, man?’ world to really capitalize on the girls, stupid little fucker that I was.
Anyway, I don’t regret going through ‘The Doors Stage’, it was good at the time and perhaps lead me in a better direction than I might have taken without it. Point is- it were a ‘stage’, a ‘period’, a ‘step in the process of development’, but for others it’s an obsession that never passes, an obsession that eventually turns your hairbrush into a real microphone… and when that happens… you’re fucked…
On this day in 1967 The Doors released their debut album and we thought it’d be nice to pay tribute to that here on the blog.
Initially we were going to post up some old live footage or something, but then we saw this…
Remember ‘Real Dolls’? Those life-like surrogate girlfriend things? Well, check this out- A French dude named Jean-Yves Lemoigne realized it was cheaper to just buy an ass-load of Lego and make his own ‘Real Dolls’! He’s positioned them all over his house in various states of undress so he can wander from room to room with a cheese board and a raging hard-on.
“Ah ‘ave too fock zem so, so cair-foo-lie!” Said the horny frenchman.
See this already? Well, see it again. It’s brilliant.
Sorry if you caught that rant yesterday. It was foolish of me to talk politics and then follow it up by attacking online gamers… even if they are totally gay, they’re not hurting anyone. Sorry.
Been a while since we looked at motorcycle stuff! Make yourself a nice cup of tea, curl up on the couch and lets have a sniff around.
Triumph are celebrating 50 years of the Bonneville this year and they’re releasing some new improved models. I wont go on about it, but hopefully the ’06 ’07 and ’08 Bonnies will be a ton cheaper. With the economy being totally fucked the bikes on Ebay seem to be getting cheaper… sort of… not really.
Have a look at this Royal Enfield Bullet Classic. It’s a remake of the original but somehow it’s not sucky…
It was released late last year and looks pretty much the same as the original 50′s Bullet- sprung solo seat, old school headlight casing, single cylinder engine (bit bigger now) But unlike the original it has an electric starter, electronic fuel injection and a few other bits and pieces. Not sure how practical this bike is, it looks fucking cool though, and it’s only about $5500.00 new!
Traditionalist Wes Lang would no doubt be revolted…
Speaking of Wes, his buddy Jethro just finished rebuilding a ’66 Shovel and it looks incredible! Click the pic for before & after shots at his blog.
Great job, man!
Here’s the trailer for seminal Aussie biker flick Stone. Feel like we’ve posted this one before, but whatever, it’s awesome. Definitely worth a Netflix. I watched this with my dad as a kid and it absolutely terrified me. Speaking of my dad, he has an embarrassing story involving a phone call to Stone‘s director/writer/star: Sandy Harbutt… but he’d kill me if I told you.
Keep you eyes open for… THE TOE-CUTTER!
Got this cool zine in the mail today. SURPRISE!!! Issue #1 It’s awesome! Great pics AND a free bag of confetti!
Not sure what the deal with buying it is but you can probably hit them up and ask. Great stuff. Here’s our fav pages-
Can’t get enough of these guys. Definite bookmark material. So, so good. You’ll never listen anything else ever again.
We was pretty slightly late to the party on this one, so- sorry if you’re not being enlightened.
Cliketh thine Pic… eth…
Here’s an excellent way to get through winter…
Come to sunny Luxembourg!
We got invited this thing, should be awesome.
MEXICO! WHAT THE FUCK?!
We love Will Laren. He’s almost as retarded as us- almost. If you don’t snigger like a moron when you visit his flicker page…
I don’t know, maybe your not an idiot after all? You look like one. JUST JOKES! Now buy a t-shirt.
Can’t get enough of this guys stuff…
This came in this morning from the amazing Will Laren, so I guess we got ourselves another t-shirt comp! Send ‘em if you got ‘em.
And now, as promised…
Restroom Reviews
By Todd Lamb
Welcome to Restroom Reviews. This is the part of Wooooo where I tell you where you should and shouldn’t release your bowels. Before reading, please take a moment to explore our rating scale:
0 Gonorrheas=an elegant affair
10 Gonorrheas =elegant if you live in Newark, in a parked car
Restroom #1: Burlington Coat Factory at Atlantic Center Mall, Brooklyn NY
This is a jail that sells coats. I bought my jacket there for $79.99 and after I purchased it, they put it in a garbage bag for me to carry home. Not a shopping bag. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, then you’re either a Croatian princess or you prefer to pay full price for name brands. Either way, I hate you. But enough about foreign people (terrorists), let’s talk about Burlington’s restroom facilities.
Before entering the BCF bathroom, you have to hit a buzzer so that the security guard can ignore you five times before he buzzes you in. Once inside, you’ll notice the double sinks and the fact that it smells of stale water and urinal cakes. But, in the scheme of things, this place really isn’t that bad. If necessary, I could eat a sandwich in here. I’d estimate that Burlington’s bathroom is cleaned approximately once-a-week by a man who hates his job. Each stall is stocked with toilet paper in one large roll, which is mounted on the wall with a large plastic cover. The counter has stains from the previous week’s patrons sloppily washing their hands and changing their baby’s off-brand diapers in the sink.
In a comparison test, this bathroom stacks up well. It’s quite sophisticated compared to the mildewed cabbage den that is the Key Foods bathroom (5th Ave and Bergen). Ever pee into a bag of seafood? Well, if you did, you’d want to immediately throw it away. At Key Foods, they don’t play by these rules. This is a restroom to avoid.
Back to matters at hand, Burlington Coat Factory’s restroom is not necessarily for discerning gentlemen (terrorists), but it’s not exclusively for homeless guys either (Penn Station’s restrooms). I’d say it’s suitable for a quick urination or an emergency defecation. Go ahead, crap here. And tell them Todd sent you.
RATING: 4 Gonorrheas
Thanks Todd. That was Todd Lamb with the Wooooo Restroom Review. Up next- JAPAN! WHAT THE FUCK?!
And now a nice song to take your mind off all your troubles that you know you have.
Our chums over at Saturday Skateboards just got some new decks in and they look pretty cool.
Maybe They’ll give us one to give away! Maybe we can have another competition! Maybe everyones totally broke and can’t afford to just give shit away willy-nilly! Let’s see what they say…
In other news- Notable philanthropist Todd Lamb is reviewing New York’s public toilets for YOU.
Watch this space…
And we’ve got a new T-shirt in the mix…
If this is your firs visit to the site we recommend you purchase Wooooo #5. That’s why we made it bold, underlined it and linked to the “Buy Stuff” page. We also recommend you buy a T shirt or fifteen.
This will be good…
Unnatural Disaster – An exhibition of new works by Todd James ( Reas ) Opening night 15th January, 2009 at 6pm.
The exhibition continues from 16th January – 19th February.
Monster Children Gallery 20 Burton St, Darlinghurst Sydney NSW.
Don’t watch this video mum. Actually, just don’t come to the website anymore.
I know! Open a can of Southern Comfort & cola and read some more Danielle Steele! Much better.
Fuck You Heroes ’78 is an awesome blog. This particular entry cracked us up for all of yesterday and some of this morning.
Apart from ‘finessing’ the next issue, mocking the new website and figuring out where to put the pool table- we’ve been working on some new t-shirt ideas… this one is at the top of the pile right now.
We really like this girl’s drawings. There’s an innocence there, a guilelessness that perhaps reveals an intuitive grasp of… wait, sorry. Suck my balls, ha-ha, penis, penis, penis. That’s more like it, eh fellas? Ha-ha.
Heres a sample of some complete twaddle I lashed together for a popular magazine recently…
Suffice to say- it remains unpublished .
Everyone knows The Rolling Stones still toss televisions off balconies everywhere they go, but did you know F. Scott Fitzgerald set fire to his room at The Ambassador Hotel and then fled the premises? All the greats did stuff like that when they stayed in hotels!
Even Mark Twain was into it! In his book ‘The Innocents Abroad’ he describes this incident aboard a steamship-
A little after noon, on that distinguished Saturday, I reached the ship and went on board. All was bustle and confusion. The pier was crowded with carriages and men; passengers were arriving and hurrying on board; the vessel’s decks were encumbered with trunks and valises; groups of excursionists, arrayed in unattractive traveling costumes, were moping about in a drizzling rain and looking as droopy and woe-begone as so many molting chickens. Then I went to my room and kicked the fuck out of everything.
Twain was a consummate professional, he knew how to have a good time, but do you?
If you don’t know what your doing hotels can be a stone-drag.
Here are some basic tips to help you make the best of your hotel stay.
Tip #1: Assuage your guilt.
Don’t feel bad about making a mess. ‘No mess’ equals ‘No job’ for the people who are employed by a hotel to clean, and chances are the cleaning lady comes from a long line of cleaning ladies, ergo- she’s used to it. There are exception of course, for example a lady might become a cleaning lady because she was in an accident and her whole family were killed and now she’s an alcoholic and has to do menial work to pay the exorbitant funeral bill she was hit with ten years ago… but wait, did you kill her family? Did you make her loose contact with all her friends because she was in a coma for five years?
No you didn’t, so party on.
Tip#2: Imbibe. Ingest. Destroy.
Fact: Getting up to grand-scale mischief is nothing but tedious if you’re sober.
It probably won’t even occur to you to do anything wayward until you’ve doused your brain with deliriants, depressives and stimulants, so kick your freak-show off with some Redbull and Vodka. Sure, it’s total Guido swill, but it keeps you weird and on red alert. Get some of that then get your hands on some dimenhydrinate and wait for the spiders to start hatching in the carpet. You could just get some coke and talk a lot, but fuck that! We’re on an adventure!
Tip#:3 Yell at people on the street.
This is a great way to get started if you have a room that looks directly onto a busy street. There’s nothing more liberating than yelling random shit at innocent people from the safety of your window. Personally I like to scream things like “Show me your penis!” and “I’m fucking a dog right now!” but I have a friend who likes to invite people up to try heroin- “Hey Mr! Mr! Up here! You wanna come up and shoot some heroin with us? Mr! Come back! Hey fuck you Mr! Fuck you! I was in Flatliners!”
…And then it gets reeeeeeally stupid… Lemmi know if you want the other 7 ‘tips’
Lucero at his best and better than us… is that giving too much away? You knew we was pretty fat and old, dincha?
This wheel company looks really, really good… is that giving too much away?
Don’t you wish that girls started wearing these tits again? They’re fantastic! Why did they become extinct?
I say we brrrrring ‘em back. Sure, they’d be painfully anachronistic for the first few days, but we’d get used to it.
This lovely lady’s name is (was) Evelyn West, though ‘Northeaster’ would be a more fitting surname. Get it? Cause her boobs are pointing that way. Pretty clever.
K-lassic. Peter Fonda ripping-off Primal Scream in pretty groovy scene from seminal 60′s biker flick ‘Wild Angels’.
This’d be fun to zip around town on. Imagine your pointy-boobed girlfriend spiking you in the back every time you changed gears.
Hey, what’s up?
Hope you’re having a far-out year already. We are. Yesterday someone sent us a new beer-fridge for the office. We already had one but it was really old and sounded like a light aircraft.
The new fridge is a bit bigger, quieter and totally sticker free. We named her ‘May’ because she’s a Maytag. Thanks very much to the people at Maytag who gave us the fridge on the condition that we say how good it is every chance we get. Thanks Maytag, and by the way- Maytag-taggy-tag- suck my my balls- I bend to the left.
It’s great having an office. It’s like a club house but a bit more serious. We have beer, the internet, a record player, a cool rug, a little quarter pipe up the back, a toilet for defecating in… it’s brilliant. We even pitched an igloo tent in the corner for the friday night ‘compression-session’ bong olympics.
Does anyone smoke bucket-bongs (gravity-bongs) anymore? Let’s have a look at what youtube says…
See you later 2008, you totally fucking sucked.
What a crappy, crappy year. Although there were some positive events/developments during 08- it was generally a
ball-ache from go to whoa.
2009 will be awesome though, has to be. Black Prez, everything is 70% cheaper, the founder of Wooooo is now a LEGAL alien…
Things are really starting to look up.
Because of all the weirdness of 08 Wooooo #6 has taken forever, and for that we are very sorry. Just so you know- it’s worse for us.
We feel like losers. It shouldn’t take this long to produce a silly little rag like Wooooo! You just make some calls, do some emails and then print it up! Right? What’s wrong with us? Jesus Christ, we suck.
Seriously though, how much do we suck? It’s insane. I wish we were dead. Dead in a ditch with dry eyeballs.
Anyway, we’ve had a really full-on year, seriously full-on, and that made it difficult to get anything done. But it’s done now (the year) and so is Wooooo #6! I know I’ve said that before, but it’s the truth this time! C’mon baby, you gotta believe me! I’m real!
In 2009 we’re making moves, our appetite is up and we’re about to chomp shit down. Watch this space.
