0 Gonorrheas=an elegant affair
10 Gonorrheas =elegant if you live in Newark, in a parked car

Restroom #1: Burlington Coat Factory at Atlantic Center Mall, Brooklyn NY

This is a jail that sells coats. I bought my jacket there for $79.99 and after I purchased it, they put it in a garbage bag for me to carry home. Not a shopping bag. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, then you’re either a Croatian princess or you prefer to pay full price for name brands. Either way, I hate you. But enough about foreign people (terrorists), let’s talk about Burlington’s restroom facilities.

Before entering the BCF bathroom, you have to hit a buzzer so that the security guard can ignore you five times before he buzzes you in. Once inside, you’ll notice the double sinks and the fact that it smells of stale water and urinal cakes. But, in the scheme of things, this place really isn’t that bad. If necessary, I could eat a sandwich in here. I’d estimate that Burlington’s bathroom is cleaned approximately once-a-week by a man who hates his job. Each stall is stocked with toilet paper in one large roll, which is mounted on the wall with a large plastic cover. The counter has stains from the previous week’s patrons sloppily washing their hands and changing their baby’s off-brand diapers in the sink.

In a comparison test, this bathroom stacks up well. It’s quite sophisticated compared to the mildewed cabbage den that is the Key Foods bathroom (5th Ave and Bergen). Ever pee into a bag of seafood? Well, if you did, you’d want to immediately throw it away. At Key Foods, they don’t play by these rules. This is a restroom to avoid.

Back to matters at hand, Burlington Coat Factory’s restroom is not necessarily for discerning gentlemen (terrorists), but it’s not exclusively for homeless guys either (Penn Station’s restrooms). I’d say it’s suitable for a quick urination or an emergency defecation. Go ahead, crap here. And tell them Todd sent you.