Apart from ‘finessing’ the next issue, mocking the new website and figuring out where to put the pool table- we’ve been working on some new t-shirt ideas… this one is at the top of the pile right now.

We really like this girl’s drawings. There’s an innocence there, a guilelessness that perhaps reveals an intuitive grasp of… wait, sorry. Suck my balls, ha-ha, penis, penis, penis. That’s more like it, eh fellas? Ha-ha.

Heres a sample of some complete twaddle I lashed together for a popular magazine recently…
Suffice to say- it remains unpublished .

Everyone knows The Rolling Stones still toss televisions off balconies everywhere they go, but did you know F. Scott Fitzgerald set fire to his room at The Ambassador Hotel and then fled the premises? All the greats did stuff like that when they stayed in hotels!
Even Mark Twain was into it! In his book ‘The Innocents Abroad’ he describes this incident aboard a steamship-

A little after noon, on that distinguished Saturday, I reached the ship and went on board. All was bustle and confusion. The pier was crowded with carriages and men; passengers were arriving and hurrying on board; the vessel’s decks were encumbered with trunks and valises; groups of excursionists, arrayed in unattractive traveling costumes, were moping about in a drizzling rain and looking as droopy and woe-begone as so many molting chickens. Then I went to my room and kicked the fuck out of everything.

Twain was a consummate professional, he knew how to have a good time, but do you?
If you don’t know what your doing hotels can be a stone-drag.

Here are some basic tips to help you make the best of your hotel stay.

Tip #1: Assuage your guilt.
Don’t feel bad about making a mess. ‘No mess’ equals ‘No job’ for the people who are employed by a hotel to clean, and chances are the cleaning lady comes from a long line of cleaning ladies, ergo- she’s used to it. There are exception of course, for example a lady might become a cleaning lady because she was in an accident and her whole family were killed and now she’s an alcoholic and has to do menial work to pay the exorbitant funeral bill she was hit with ten years ago… but wait, did you kill her family? Did you make her loose contact with all her friends because she was in a coma for five years?
No you didn’t, so party on.

Tip#2: Imbibe. Ingest. Destroy.
Fact: Getting up to grand-scale mischief is nothing but tedious if you’re sober.
It probably won’t even occur to you to do anything wayward until you’ve doused your brain with deliriants, depressives and stimulants, so kick your freak-show off with some Redbull and Vodka. Sure, it’s total Guido swill, but it keeps you weird and on red alert. Get some of that then get your hands on some dimenhydrinate and wait for the spiders to start hatching in the carpet. You could just get some coke and talk a lot, but fuck that! We’re on an adventure!

Tip#:3 Yell at people on the street.
This is a great way to get started if you have a room that looks directly onto a busy street. There’s nothing more liberating than yelling random shit at innocent people from the safety of your window. Personally I like to scream things like “Show me your penis!” and “I’m fucking a dog right now!” but I have a friend who likes to invite people up to try heroin- “Hey Mr! Mr! Up here! You wanna come up and shoot some heroin with us? Mr! Come back! Hey fuck you Mr! Fuck you! I was in Flatliners!”

…And then it gets reeeeeeally stupid… Lemmi know if you want the other 7 ‘tips’

Lucero at his best and better than us… is that giving too much away? You knew we was pretty fat and old, dincha?

This wheel company looks really, really good… is that giving too much away?