Archive for April, 2009
In 1976 there was a swine flu pandemic. Remember? Me neither, but the PSA made a bunch of scary ads advising everyone to get vaccinated. When it was all over 200 people had gotten sick and one person had died from swine flu. The $135,000,000 vaccination effort came to a grinding halt when the ruling health authority at the time discovered the vaccine had a rare neurological side effect.
25 people died from that side effect.
There was a interesting presidential election in 1976… WHAT? I’m just say’n is all.
Read the rest of this entryUnsurprisingly, no one wants advice from Turbo, so we’ve decided it’s time to…
Go on. Ask her. The old grey mare ain’t what she used to be, but she’s definitely seen more than her fair share of peckers, and that’s gotta count for something.
She knows the answer to this one for sure!
How about that pig-flu? We’re terrified! Can’t think or talk about anything else! It’s like sars and that avian blah-blah-blah all over again!
Now would be a great time to for the government to sneak something past us… let some thieving bastards off scott free or something like that.
We were so deeply mesmerized by this old silent footage of mermaids that we had to post it up.
Get your inexplicable sense of longing on.
Check this out- Met a guy named Nick and he does this cool zine! Click the tape.
Look at this shit! SUMMER TIME!!!!!!!!!
Thats not even a real picture of Turbo. The real Turbo refuses to be photographed because “fuck that man, I don’t wan people seeing me on the street and asking for help!”
Anyway, congratulations John Q Public. You approved this dumb shit. I’m not spell checking it.
Dear Turbo,
I’m bored at work and my favourite blogs don’t update enough to keep me entertained each day!
Regards,
Russell
Russell,
first- you got a name that reminds me of epleptics and fall leaves. HAHA! second- are you talkin about the wooooo blog? because if you are i’ll tell you right now that this shit isnt even a big deal!!! its not life!! you need to go out and get a bike and check out some bitchs!!!!
fucking computers will ruin your dick man!. so dont even think about it.
-T
Satisfied? Ask Turbo here.
It’s starting to feel like summer, and one of our all time favorite summer movies is Hitchcock’s Rear Window.
I rarely use this word but I’ll use it here- spellbinding. I feel a bit sick now. Check out the best kiss scene ever. Grace Kelly, phwoar!
In other news we got this interesting review…
Years ago I had this picture in an envelope and I’d take it out whenever I needed cheering up. No matter how bad things got I could always take a quick look at this little twit and immediately feel better.
The fact that it still works for me is either testimony to it’s timeless hilariousness or my stupidity. Turbo thinks it’s funny, but then he’s trying to get an advice column out of me. Who wants advice from a 19 year old Mexican kid with too much gel in his hair?
If you’d like advice from our one and only intern, Turbo, please write here.
Man! What a weekend! It was so sunny we went and bought bikes from some sketchy guy we found on craig’s list.
Had to go out the Bronx for the first time ever. Terrifying. We were all mandatorily stabbed as we got off the train.
So we got the bikes and then just rode about town and enjoyed the good weather. So good. It’s rainy and shit today, but whatever.
In other news: Turbo the intern thinks we should let him have an advice column… what do you cats think? Well? Cats?
Eat this and get back to us.
We started a Twitter page because we are afraid of not having a Twitter page. If you would like to view the worthless minutiae of office life please go to- http://twitter.com/WOOOOOMAGAZINE
Maybe we should just have a hotline you can call and someone will tell you what we’re doing: “Um… Chris is here… he just knocked over some boxes… now he’s picking them up. Turbo is at the post office… Um… someone definitely just farted…”
Now look at this! Phwoar! It’s finally starting to heat up and get serious! Almost time to stop wearing socks, buy a new bicycle and ditch your girlfriend/boyfriend.
Saturday is gonna be in the 70′s! Might have to dust off the plank and go for cruise…
Those crazy bastards at SURPRISE!!!SURPRISE!!! have released another issue! This one comes with a small bag of something green!
We’re not 100% sure what they’re up to… looks like they’re having a shit-load of fun though.
Check out the last two issues here.
For more info hit em up over here!
Wooooo contributer Hunter Stephenson met with comedian Paul Scheer recently and this is what they said to each other.
Paul Scheer.
Interview: Hunter Stephenson.
Photo: Paul Scheer.
Human Giant is the most enjoyable thing ever offered by Music Television. In its two seasons on the air, the four-man sketch comedy clan memorably reenacted 9/11 with children, left children hanging outside an Amber Alert van, and parodied To Catch a Predator. They also crafted a low-budget commercial for kiddie coffins and perform at something called the Upright Children’s Brigade Theatres in L.A. and New York. Needless to say, I’m a fan. Human Giant co-founder Paul Scheer took the time to answer my questions.
You were on 30 Rock. Let’s say you found out that Tracy Morgan was fucking your youngest daughter. What do you say to her?
I’d look her right in the eyes and say, “Honey, I love you, and I understand you love Tracy, but don’t blow this amazing opportunity to secretly tape you and him having sex.” Imagine what kind of mindblowing things Tracy would do and say on a sextape. He’d rival Tommy Lee. I’m not saying she has to release it, but as a father I would want her to learn the value of being an entrepreneur, to take every opportunity afforded her.
Have you ever been to South of the Border [racist tourist attraction in South Carolina]? Did you ride the massive sombrero elevator? And do you remember the smells?
I’ve never been. I’ve Googled it. It looks like the perfect place to OD on cheap tequila and methamphetamines. I can’t wait!
Yeah, you should visit. A lot of people and animals copulate there. I read David Lee Roth’s autobiography, Crazy From the Heat, and he says he shagged, like, 100 girls in a motel shaped like a bean there. What do you think the appeal is?
I was one of those girls. It was a prank gone wrong. I went backstage in drag and before I knew it he was having his way with me. But I liked it because who doesn’t want to fuck in a bean?
Do you think Chippy from Tim and Eric Awesome Show was conceived at South of the Border?
That would make sense. I heard most of the dumpsters at South of the Border are full of babies that look just like Chippy. What happens at South of The Border stays in the dumpsters at South of the Border.
What’s a good joke about tacos and kittens? If it’s pretty good or really bad, Wooooo will donate a t-shirt.
A woman is sitting on an airplane next to a nicely dressed man. They start talking. The woman says she had tacos for lunch and wants to know if her breath stinks. She blows really hard into his face and says, “Well?” The man says, “I don’t know, do you usually put kitten shit in your tacos?”
Free shirt. Have you ever allowed a canine to lick peanut putter off your finger on the beach?
Yes, but I was arrested because the finger wasn’t attached to a hand. Or a body for that matter.
Growing up, did you aspire to be like Mr. Shoop from that movie Summer School? Obviously the last question was referencing his dog love. Or did you wanna be more like Dave and Chainsaw?
I wanted to be like Pam House [as played by Courtney Thorne-Smith], the misunderstood surfer who has a thing for older men.
A recurring theme is developing here. You recently moved to L.A. from New York so I’m sure you know the rumor floating around – I actually heard it while outside the Ivy – that you were hired to play Eddie Murphy’s ass. Can you elaborate? [True story: Scheer was dismissed from the role of Lieutenant Buttox in last summer’s Meet Dave for not being obese.]
Yes, it was for a private party for Eddie. And due to my confidentiality agreement, I can’t tell you more than this: Things got Eyes Wide Shut weird.
That’s what I heard. Would Human Giant ever put their faces on Vitamin Water? What would your facial expression be? You can email me a drawing if you want.
Human Giant only promotes off-brand Mexican colas. We especially love the orange ones. You’d never see my face because it would be hidden behind a sombrero.
Know anyone in the Skull and Bones besides the sleepy guy from Dawson’s Creek and Fringe?
Yes, I believe Sir Mix-A-Lot was also a part of the organization.
Moving on, I’ve had the pleasure of looking straight into Larry Flynt’s eyes and chatting with him while he was heavily sedated. It sounds cliché but it shook me. Inside his eyeballs I gleamed mountains of dead runaways, monies, cocaine and dried cum. When you partied with Joe Francis in Las Vegas what did you see? It had to be worse.
I saw a unicorn with a dildo as a horn, running into a field full of breasts and then I realized someone was videotaping me watching the unicorn and they kept throwing beads at me. It felt kinda rapey, so I left.
Nice adjective. Do you have fond memories of sitting on a seat that was a facsimile of a giant tooth or a toadstool or something?
Yeah. I love sitting on teeth chairs. It makes me feel like I’m a dentist for giants.
Ever since Human Giant’s bit on kiddie coffins, they’re everywhere. As one of the guys who started the trend, what should be included in a limited-edition kiddie coffin?
Every kiddie coffin should come with a commemorative juice box and a gift certificate for a new kid, because clearly you fucked this one up.
Should ProStars [cartoon featuring Bo Jackson, Michael Jordan, Wayne Gretzky] make a comeback and clean up the shitty corruption and general terrible-ness in sports?
Since two-thirds of the ProStars have serious gambling problems, I’d like to see Bo try to reunite the other two for exactly what you just suggested. But when they all go to meet, Bo reveals that he is holding an intervention.
That is fucking brilliant. Paul, your face is a status symbol on Twitter, even though you and the rest of Human Giant abandoned your accounts a long time ago. Does this make you feel like a pog for rich, early-adopter kids who go to NYU?
I consider myself more like that yellow McDonald’s Monopoly piece that you need to win the jet skis…I’m rare, and only a few people have it. But it’s worth it.
My last question. Who has the coolest bong collection in Hollywood? You answer using only their initials, if you need to.
J.T.T. That’s right Jonathan Taylor Thomas from Home Improvement.
Did you ever wear Billabong?
I wear Billabong, yeah. Only when I’m trying to infiltrate a gang of surfing bank robbers.
Wow what a day! Looks like we might be selling Wooooo! Can you imagine? Someone actually wants to buy the mag!
And don’t worry, that doesn’t mean it’ll change. We’ll still work here. It just means We wont be hanging around out the back of the Appelbee’s at night, waiting for the ‘good’ trash. We’ll be living it up! Ordering FreshDirect and wearing jeans without elasticated waistbands! We shouldn’t be counting our chickens before they hatch though.
Anyway, thats why we took so long to blog today. We was in a meeting.
How was your Easter? Ours was great, thanks! Ate chocolate until we felt sick and then we ate more. Then we had some chips.
I ate this guy here all by myself and then ate some other stuff.
Today is the 20th anniversary of the Stone Roses’ debut album. That might not mean much to you, sitting there eating Cheetos and listening to The Spin Docotors, but it’s a big deal to us and it’s the only thing we’re allowing ourselves to listen to today, no matter how freaked out we get.
Apparently there’s a party tonight at Arrow Bar on Ave A where they just play popular British music. We’ll be there for sure, doing pills and having it large in our baggy pants…
assuming we don’t kill each other before 5.
Fool’s Gold wasn’t actually on the first record but we posted the vid anywho… Correction. It was on the second release of the first record. Thank you very much Luke ‘Train spotter’ Storr.
In other news: We went to Carlos ‘Ched’ Valencia’s first ever solo show last night at Journal Gallery in Brooklyn, and do you think anyone brought a camera? Hell no! We’ll get some pics up of the work over the weekend. Amazing show by the way. Check it out if you’re ever out Willyburg.
It just snowed here in for about seven minutes. Now the sun is shinning again. Weird.
We’re totally over winter. It has to end.
You know when you get on the subway and there’s that recorded announcement about ‘remaining alert’ and keeping an eye out for ‘suspicious packages’? Well they’ve tacked a new bit onto the end that says ‘don’t let anyone see your electronic devices’ or something like that. Apparently, and this is probably only a news-flash to us, but apparently iphones are getting snatched like crazy on the subway! Don’t know if anyones been shot or stabbed for an iphone yet. Let me check… yep, here’s one.
Ton of stuff to get done today, so we’ll just post up a random music video and get this part of Wooooo out of the way.
Lets see now… yeah, that’ll do.
It just snowed again for two minutes, now it’s sunny. Not making this up.
Wanna say a quick thanks to our new favorite blog for the two one-eyed gnarlsters up there in the banner. Thanks!
Wolfman’s buddy…
Aaaaand… blogging done for another day. Take off, hosers.
This has got to be one of the best music videos of all time. Great song too. Click it!
Look at these three bags full of mail. Poor old Turbo has to lug these heavy bitches six blocks to the post office, wait in line for who knows how long, deal with a grumpy postal worker, pick up some whole wheat hoagies and coffee on the way back to the office, make my lunch and then start filling orders for tomorrows mail outs.
He’s a good little teenager that Turbo Jones. Works for Clearasil.
Watch out! Skaaaaate Wiiiitches!
Another nice letter!
hey Wooooo,
i swiped your latest issue of wooooo off my co-workers desk to see what it was really all about & I couldn’t put it down this week. it’s a pocket’s delight! and yah, I laughed out loud reading, always a plus. i don’t really read magazines or like them as much, now that i work at one, but Wooooo is the jam. i mean, i’ve heard good things of course, but i hadn’t read until now. so i just felt compelled to say hi & tell you how delightful i think it is. Hiiiiii.
charmed,
mary
Thanks Mary!
One of our all time favorite records, and it just got the ‘deluxe re-release’ treatment. Nothing makes you feel older than re-releases.
Here’s a nice letter from one of our readers-
Dear Wooooo,
Just a quick note to say a big TA for WOOOOO#6, I read it cover to cover and have to say it’s the best yet. Looks great and made me laugh my sack sideways. Liked the glossy pics and the inclusion of the art work it mixed it up, you know. But mostly.. funny.. and don’t we need laughter these days with all the financial crises the murder ,the mayhem… I tell you if it wasn’t for that YOUTUBE clip of that Pig surfing I would have ended it years ago.
love and worth the wait kisses K
That was nice wasn’t it?
Hey! You know when you’re just sitting around daydreaming and you imagine how amazing it’d be if you were seven years old again but knew everything you know now? You could reduce teachers to tears with your words, knock the school bully on his ass, and then blow everyones mind by picking up a guitar and playing ‘Hey Joe’ even though you’d never had a lesson!
Well, guess what? It’s never gonna happen, so wake the fuck up.
Our boy-friday, ‘Turbo’, just got back from the deli and said he watched a man taste the three different deli coffees they sell (regular, strong, decaf) twice over before making his selection. Turbo said the man looked “kinda French”.
In other news- Oasis announce secret brother! Have a look at him! You could grow yams in those eyebrows.
We’ve really tried to resist this guy. Not sure why… could be all the tabloid appearances. Makes you wanna not like him.
Anyway, he released a solo album last month and it’s really, really good. We love it.
Everyone keeps saying it sounds like the Gorillers or something? We don’t think so. Who’s the Gorillers? That cartoon thing? Stupid.
Here’s the video for the single. A couple of chaps make out at the end… so, if you are my Dad- don’t watch it. It’ll gross you out.
Here’s a new hip-hop artist you may or may not have heard- Shane Skillz.
Shane hails from the outer suburbs of Melbourne where the drudgery is as infinite as it is merciless, and violent crime is something that happens every time you go outside to check the mail. His songs are positively peppered with C-Bombs, so if you don’t like the C word we recommend you don’t click HERE to hear our favorite Shane Skillz track, a pro-vandalism song entitled ‘Taggin’.
We’re not sure if Shane is legit because his songs are really funny. He could just be some kid taking the piss.
Either way- he’s a genius.
You can download his debut album free of charge HERE.
