Wooooo contributer Hunter Stephenson met with comedian Paul Scheer recently and this is what they said to each other.

Paul Scheer.
Interview: Hunter Stephenson.
Photo: Paul Scheer.

Human Giant is the most enjoyable thing ever offered by Music Television. In its two seasons on the air, the four-man sketch comedy clan memorably reenacted 9/11 with children, left children hanging outside an Amber Alert van, and parodied To Catch a Predator. They also crafted a low-budget commercial for kiddie coffins and perform at something called the Upright Children’s Brigade Theatres in L.A. and New York. Needless to say, I’m a fan. Human Giant co-founder Paul Scheer took the time to answer my questions.

You were on 30 Rock. Let’s say you found out that Tracy Morgan was fucking your youngest daughter. What do you say to her?
I’d look her right in the eyes and say, “Honey, I love you, and I understand you love Tracy, but don’t blow this amazing opportunity to secretly tape you and him having sex.” Imagine what kind of mindblowing things Tracy would do and say on a sextape. He’d rival Tommy Lee. I’m not saying she has to release it, but as a father I would want her to learn the value of being an entrepreneur, to take every opportunity afforded her.
Have you ever been to South of the Border [racist tourist attraction in South Carolina]? Did you ride the massive sombrero elevator? And do you remember the smells?
I’ve never been. I’ve Googled it. It looks like the perfect place to OD on cheap tequila and methamphetamines. I can’t wait!
Yeah, you should visit. A lot of people and animals copulate there. I read David Lee Roth’s autobiography, Crazy From the Heat, and he says he shagged, like, 100 girls in a motel shaped like a bean there. What do you think the appeal is?

I was one of those girls. It was a prank gone wrong. I went backstage in drag and before I knew it he was having his way with me. But I liked it because who doesn’t want to fuck in a bean?
Do you think Chippy from Tim and Eric Awesome Show was conceived at South of the Border?
That would make sense. I heard most of the dumpsters at South of the Border are full of babies that look just like Chippy. What happens at South of The Border stays in the dumpsters at South of the Border.
What’s a good joke about tacos and kittens? If it’s pretty good or really bad, Wooooo will donate a t-shirt.
A woman is sitting on an airplane next to a nicely dressed man. They start talking. The woman says she had tacos for lunch and wants to know if her breath stinks. She blows really hard into his face and says, “Well?” The man says, “I don’t know, do you usually put kitten shit in your tacos?”
Free shirt. Have you ever allowed a canine to lick peanut putter off your finger on the beach?
Yes, but I was arrested because the finger wasn’t attached to a hand. Or a body for that matter.
Growing up, did you aspire to be like Mr. Shoop from that movie Summer School? Obviously the last question was referencing his dog love. Or did you wanna be more like Dave and Chainsaw?
I wanted to be like Pam House [as played by Courtney Thorne-Smith], the misunderstood surfer who has a thing for older men.
A recurring theme is developing here. You recently moved to L.A. from New York so I’m sure you know the rumor floating around – I actually heard it while outside the Ivy – that you were hired to play Eddie Murphy’s ass. Can you elaborate? [True story: Scheer was dismissed from the role of Lieutenant Buttox in last summer’s Meet Dave for not being obese.]

Yes, it was for a private party for Eddie. And due to my confidentiality agreement, I can’t tell you more than this: Things got Eyes Wide Shut weird.
That’s what I heard. Would Human Giant ever put their faces on Vitamin Water? What would your facial expression be? You can email me a drawing if you want.
Human Giant only promotes off-brand Mexican colas. We especially love the orange ones. You’d never see my face because it would be hidden behind a sombrero.
Know anyone in the Skull and Bones besides the sleepy guy from Dawson’s Creek and Fringe?

Yes, I believe Sir Mix-A-Lot was also a part of the organization.
Moving on, I’ve had the pleasure of looking straight into Larry Flynt’s eyes and chatting with him while he was heavily sedated. It sounds cliché but it shook me. Inside his eyeballs I gleamed mountains of dead runaways, monies, cocaine and dried cum. When you partied with Joe Francis in Las Vegas what did you see? It had to be worse.

I saw a unicorn with a dildo as a horn, running into a field full of breasts and then I realized someone was videotaping me watching the unicorn and they kept throwing beads at me. It felt kinda rapey, so I left.
Nice adjective. Do you have fond memories of sitting on a seat that was a facsimile of a giant tooth or a toadstool or something?

Yeah. I love sitting on teeth chairs. It makes me feel like I’m a dentist for giants.
Ever since Human Giant’s bit on kiddie coffins, they’re everywhere. As one of the guys who started the trend, what should be included in a limited-edition kiddie coffin?
Every kiddie coffin should come with a commemorative juice box and a gift certificate for a new kid, because clearly you fucked this one up.
Should ProStars [cartoon featuring Bo Jackson, Michael Jordan, Wayne Gretzky] make a comeback and clean up the shitty corruption and general terrible-ness in sports?
Since two-thirds of the ProStars have serious gambling problems, I’d like to see Bo try to reunite the other two for exactly what you just suggested. But when they all go to meet, Bo reveals that he is holding an intervention.
That is fucking brilliant. Paul, your face is a status symbol on Twitter, even though you and the rest of Human Giant abandoned your accounts a long time ago. Does this make you feel like a pog for rich, early-adopter kids who go to NYU?
I consider myself more like that yellow McDonald’s Monopoly piece that you need to win the jet skis…I’m rare, and only a few people have it. But it’s worth it.
My last question. Who has the coolest bong collection in Hollywood? You answer using only their initials, if you need to.
J.T.T. That’s right Jonathan Taylor Thomas from Home Improvement.
Did you ever wear Billabong?
I wear Billabong, yeah. Only when I’m trying to infiltrate a gang of surfing bank robbers.