9:53 am and I’m at the bottom of my first cup of coffee for the day, there’s three more to go, listening to Morrissey’s Vauxhall and I, probably his best record, certainly my favorite.
I’ve decided to put on some pants today, and they feel alien and constrictive. I’d be much more comfortable naked but there’s the neighbors to think about, they’ve seen enough and told me so via a typed note under the door. This doesn’t mean I have to wear something up top. No one said anything about covering my chest so I beat it like Kong in the front window overlooking Park Ave, which is where I live now, because the recession has been good to me in ways you can never imagine.
What am I talking about? I don’t know. I just feel like there should be some more text here to justify the link-slag that will predictably succeed it.
So I’ll tell you a story.
Once upon a time my hair started to fall out and I developed hemorrhoids. Then my back set about aching when I awoke each morning and the once faint lines on my face deepened to craggy furrows. I was getting old. I decided my best defense against aging would be to rule out all my ‘self-destructive’ indulgences… which amounted to just one indulgence really- Alcohol. So I stopped drinking. After nearly one week of not drinking I discovered that I really, really liked drinking, and the thought of tipping a glass of Marqu’es de Riscal Gran Reserva 2002 into my face made me salivate. Thats not even a joke, my mouth waters when I think of having a drink.
There was one other ‘vice’ I abolished, and that was masturbation and sex based on my theory that, like trees, the more often we go to seed the closer we get to not bearing fruit. When you let semen collect, your body naturally wants to get it out in the world impregnating people. Thats why you get horny, it’s natures way of ensuring you procreate (no news flash there). So, if you abstain and let it build up, resisting all sexual urges, you’re body will give up on you and look to others for assistance by making subtle, alluring physiological changes to itself. Your muscles will begin to bulge and refine, your hair will grow, your skin will glow and your once dull, jellied eyes will twinkle. You’ll also notice a significant change in your personality. Where you were once remote, miserable and creepy you will now be outward, ebullient and charming. In short- if you’re jerking-off all the time the message you’re sending your body is “Hey! We’re having a lot of sex! Don’t worry about my physical appearance. It’s all under control.” If your not jerking-off at all your body will panic and think “Fuck. We gotta make this guy better looking or we’re doomed.” Do you follow me?
This is why bald men are bald- they’ve gone to seed. Think about the horniest men in history- Hugh Hefner-bald, Casanova-bald, Wilt Chamberlain-bald. They all emptied their nuts at least once a day and now they have no hair. Now look at Morrissey, he’s a model of forbearance. Asexual for as long as anyone can remember, Morrissey is only getting better looking with age. How many artists in their fifties pull such a young fan base? Not many. And it’s all thanks to abstinence. If he’d not let his balls swell to the size of ripe mangos I wouldn’t be listening to him right now.

Think about it, man, that’s all I’m saying.

Messed up but hilarious.