Archive for July, 2009
Hi everyone.
You’re probably wondering what’s up with us Wooooo dudes, why are we so sucky right now? I’ll tell you why- we’re depressed.
The world’s a terrible, bubbling shit-hole and it doesn’t look like it’ll change any time soon.
Look around you. What have you got? A house? A car? Lots of money? Great. But where will it get you? You’re still gonna die.
You can play Monopoly to win, but at the end of the day- the pieces have to go back into the box.
Just think about it. There’s no real point to any of this.
Every breath nudges you closer to the grave, and what do you do with your limited time? You work hard to acquire as much frippery as possible. And it’s never enough. Look at the richest people in the world! Why?
Why would you want that much? Why would you have billions of dollars and still work hard to get more? Why? I’ll tell you why, because it’s never enough. Have you noticed that every time you get a pay increase it never seems to be enough? No matter how significant? At first you think “Great! More money!” but then you realize you’re back where you started when you had a paper route.
It wasn’t enough then, it’s not enough now, and it’ll never be enough ever.
It’s like we’re unwittingly digging a hole in the process of filling it.
So depressing. It’s slavery.
What’s the point of living then? What’s the point of gathering as much crap as you can if you can’t take it with you?
I feel spiritually bankrupted by the world and it’s workings. I think I’ll have a lie down.
Such a great cover. Gilbert Shelton. Freak Bros.
I was just hunting around for today’s installment of ‘Foxy but Worm-food’ and I came across this picture of actress, dancer, and screen idol Eleanor Powell. At first I thought, “She’s foxy and also dead as a doornail. Perfect.”
Then I noticed the relaxed, carefree gait she’s got goin’ on. She appears to be reclining and walking at the same time.
And then it hit me- She’s Truckin’ !!!!!
Eleanor Powell: Foxy, deceased, and quite possibly the first person to Truck.
My mother has Multiple Sclerosis. Hows that for a bummed-out lead? She’s okay though, it just makes her tired at around 4pm every day. She’s very lucky.
I was on the phone to her yesterday and I suggested she try medicinal marijuana, after all, she can get it and it’s basically free!
“No” she said, “I don’t like that stuff. I don’t like feeling like I’m not in control.”
I tried to reason with her, “Mom. You have MS. I like pot. Let’s figure it out.”
I think she’s thinking about it, but probably not. I love her but she’s pretty square, my mom.
Anyway, to strengthen my argument that she/we should get into it, I did some research about cannabis and how it benefits MS sufferers and I discovered that there is a product called Sativex which is basically bong-spray… wait… I just read that despite it being made from pot it doesn’t get you high. They put something in it to cancel out the buzz. Nice one.
Mom! What about Marinol?! I got my hands on that stuff years ago. A buddy with aids gave me some and it was pretty good.
Now, what kinda scum-bag takes medicine from an aids patient? Well, the deal was he’d been prescribed about 100 Marinol gel caps to stimulate his diminishing appetite, but, like my mother, he didn’t like being stoned and gave the tablets to his friends who did,
so shut up.
Anyway, from memory they were pretty good. They made you stupid but not paranoid, so you could float down the street laughing at everything all day. How wonderful!
Here’s The big ‘O’ telling pork-pies on the campaign trail ’07.
I wish I could post this movie up in it’s entirety- Jimi Hendrix Plays Monterey.
Here’s what happened- Monterey Pop Festival. June 16-18. 1967. Bunch of bands, The Byrds, Jefferson Airplane, Canned Heat, The Grateful Dead etc… Amazing line up, summer of love, all that shit. Anyway, on the last night there was a blow up backstage between The Who and The Jimi Hendrix Experience regarding who would play first. Neither wanted to follow the other. Jimi won and The Who went on to play one of the best shows they ever played ever… then Jimi totally wiped his ass with them.
This is the concert where Jimi famously set his guitar on fire, which was awesome, but if you ask me, he’d already blown everyones mind within the first ten seconds of his set.
Watch!
Read the rest of this entryRemember when I said I was thinking of going to the Sierra Madre Mountains in Oaxaca to smoke salvia under the vigilant guidance of a shaman? Well guess what? I went. And guess who I saw? Ken Lay. I’m not even kidding. I reached the summit of Pico de Orizaba at dusk on tuesday, and there, sitting by a small fire, was Gustavo Dudamel, Carlos Santana, a shaman and Kenneth Lee Lay. He introduced himself as Mitch Farber but I knew it was Ken right away. “Mitch Farber my balls!” I cried “You’re that thieving rat-bastard Ken Lay!” He scrambled to his feet and shrieked “Le Coucou! Le Coucou!” into his cufflinks and then a helicopter with a rope ladder suddenly appeared above us. Cinders from the fire were blown into Dudamel’s hair causing it to catch fire. Santana and I leapt into action, hosing him down with Gatorade while Ken scurried up the ladder and took a seat between Dick Fuld and Bernie Madoff. Oddly, the helicopter was piloted by none other than Zeena Galatea Schreck, nee LaVey (where can I find that little french hyphen?)
“I’m faking my death on December 24th!” Fuld screamed down at us, “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
And then they were gone.
I didn’t end up trying salvia. I was far too bummed by the whole ordeal. Everyone was.
We got a letter today from our buddy Riles, warning us (but mostly me) to not smoke salvia-
DONT DO IT.
You ain’t no sage, and there are plenty of other ways to open up your doors of perception.
I’ll tell you two stories.
While living in Vancouver, me and 3 friends hitchhiked to the local ferry terminal then flipped a coin to see which remote gulf island we’d venture to. Ended up on Salt Spring Island, (see attached photo). All we had was an old 78 player, a video camera, a can of beans, a bag of ‘dream ‘erb’ and some Salvia that we’d purchased earlier from the back room of ‘the Urban Shaman’, a herbal high store on Vancouvers main hippie strip.
After clambering through a rusty barbed wire fence and tramping through the giant woods we found ourselves on a cliff overlooking a huge ocean inlet, surrounded by mountains, the neighbouring gulf islands. We unrolled our sleeping bags and cracked open our case of still cold Kokanees (canadas version of Bud). Got pretty toasted, talked a lot of nonsense, all the while nervously ignoring the elephant in the room; The bag of Salvia, or ‘Aunt Sylvia’ as she became known.
Finally rolled ‘er up and puffed away. We all wandered down to a large flat rock leading into the shallows of the water, which at the time was glowing bright with phosphorescents (honestly). We lay on our backs on the sloped rock, with our feet pointing up into the sky. It kind of felt like we were attached to the rock, like the earth was our backpack and we were sky walking through the cosmos, bouncing of the stars, you know what I mean?
But really, I think we were either faking it, or we were too stoned and drunk for it to really work. Either that, or we did it in a perfect setting where the effects aren’t as fucked as that guy on youtube, or as ‘Andy’ experienced….
Now to Andy.
Long before I left to go overseas, we were hanging out at a mates place after a day of skating, eating pizza, drinking, smoking weed and listening to hip hop. Man what a productive life I had back then.
Anyway, my mate Jim pulled out a mysterious little bag and gave us a quick run down on what it was. He really emphasised how unlike anything else the trip was, but Andy didn’t care. He smoked a whole cone, and instantly passed through the Stargate (I love that term by the way). We basically all had to snap into sobriety to hold and hug Andy for the next hellish 2 hours, and convince him that he was an earthly being and that he’d be back soon from wherever the fuck he was. All he could mumble through him quivering mouth was “don’t do it…nobody do it….I don’t know where i am…” over and over. He seriously left us for a while, the only trace of him on this plane was a green skinned, bug eyed and really scared dude sitting on the couch. It wore off, for sure, but until it did, he was absolutely freaked.
It’s some interplanetary shit dude, be careful.
Thats all I got.
Peace!
R-dogg
About three months ago I watched From Here to Eternity and found myself intrigued by the actor Montgomery Clift. He was brilliant, but I’d never heard of him. Why hadn’t I heard of him?
I did a bit of a Google and discovered that he’d lived and died in a town house I walk past everyday going to and from the office.
Then I heard this song by The Clash.
Now I hear that song in my head every time I go past 217 E. 61st st, which is, like I said, every day.
I tried going around 61st st. but that just acknowledges the problem and makes it worse. I don’t even like the fucking Clash. It’s like that scene from Touching the Void where the guy is dying but he can’t get that Bony M song out of his head.
I’m going mental.
Poor old Monty. He was really, really good. One of the best I’ve seen anyway. But why doesn’t anyone know who he is?
More to come.
HEY! We’ve got this deck floating around the office and no one really needs it. If you want it- we’ll swap it for something you don’t want. Anything really…
Please send a picture, a description of the thing you wanna swap, and a small essay stating why we should swap with you. We’ll be publishing potential swappers on the site and hopefully it’ll be fun! Or just gay and sad! Like Monty!
Click this bit what says Click here to write us.
In other news-Saturday Dave sent this over to us yesterday and it’s our new favorite show! If you’ve got 15 minutes to spare (and we know you do) make yourself a coke-float and tune in.
How good was that? You love it.
Okay, thats it. Gotta go do some werk for the soul suckin jerk.
I know, shut up. We had a massively busy week last week and it was borderline impossible to get anything posted.
We love you and we’re sorry.
So here we are, another monday. What to do? What to write? What to eat? Should I microwave this cold cup of coffee?
Should I smoke Salvia?! I’ve been obsessed with the stuff ever since I saw some at a bbq a couple of weeks ago.
I think I might fly out to the Sierra Madre Mountains in Oaxaca, Mexico and hook up with a shaman.
But then again- maybe not….
I’ve had some major bummers on acid. In fact the only ‘good’ trip I ever had was the first time I took it. Some friends and I watched TV for eight hours and laughed until it hurt, literally hurt. My jaw ached for days afterward. Subsequent trips have been either too weird or just plain scary. I once found myself reading the sign of a restaurant I ate at all the time, trying to figure out where I knew it from. If I could figure that out then maybe I’d know where I was (one block from my house).
I’ve ridden in taxi cabs with floor to ceiling adobe upholstery. Everything terracotta and dusty hot with a sinister looking Pancho Villa at the wheel. Hours later I was making cups of tea for my absent roommate’s surprise visiting parents and trying to act normal after dropping a jar of pasta sauce on the floor and squeeling like a little girl when it exploded red at my feet. Out the window my two trip-buddies were carefully inspecting the menagerie of bugs working in the grass.
Another time I was at a christmas party where flash bulbs were firing like there was no tomorrow, and I found my vision slowly disappearing beneath a wall of flash-burn that would not fade. Eventually I had to leave because I couldn’t see anything but cluttered purple and blue shapes. I slowly shuffled home and called a friend because I was blind and scared.
Not good times. Maybe I’ll give the Salvia Divinorum a miss…
C.O.R.N.!
Sweet yellow jewels. Summer corn. Well, we all know what happens. (Metaphor alert!)
Somehow it makes it through all the channels, the internal focus groups, and yet somehow the idea of it, stays whole. Corn. Fantastic!
Ingredients:
Corns.
A cob.
Corns on a cob.
Steam it.
Boiling is bogus.
Ten-fifteen minutes.
Apply salt and pepper, or butter.
There are two documented ways to eat corn on the cob. Actually it’s a great debate and can lead to division amongst friends, lovers, and family.
Around or across? Maybe I’m the only one who’s met people who care how its eaten, but beware, they are out there and they will judge you, your sexual ability and your taste in fashion and music.
Next thing you know cats will start eating corn. I mean they’re playing pianos and shit. What’s next? Walking on the moon?
Remember Will Laren? Well, he’s branched out into collage. Check out his Flickr stream. If you don’t agree that he’s hilarious- We can’t be friends anymore.
In other “news” Who the F is Pippi Longstocking? We got this letter today from someone called Zan who works at some place called CondÉ Nast.
She sounds like a caveman.
“You blog leads me to believe you don’t you know who pippi longstocking is?”
All ital and bold PLUS quotations. And then there was something else about a fictional Swede who juggles elephants.
Whatever. Thanks trainspotter.
Has anyone hooked into this stuff? PLease let us know if you have. We’re curious.
When I was 15 this was the best thing I had ever seen (besides Public Domain).
Now I see that it is gay! And who’d of thought Steve Via would be such as amazing actor? It’s all in his eyes. Watch.
Suuuuure you went to the moon. Suuuuure we beat the Russians in the space race securing our position as leaders of the free world.
I’ll bet it was pretty cool walking around all zero gravity ‘n shit. Pfff. I don’t believe it for a second. Totally fake.
Shaping reality to control our minds. Couldn’t be easier.
Well, who knows? There’s a bum-out documentary at the bottom of today’s post that argues pretty strongly in favor of the artificial flavor. What? Pfff.
Pfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff.
Now watch this and get even less stuff done today.
Short ‘n sweet today. Meetings, meetings, meetings! Hopefully Chef Livesay will be back tomorrow with some more delicious recession food!
Bye. x
Weird picture. Be damned if there isn’t some deeply messed-up stuff out there on the internet. I can’t decide if this is actually a group of Dutch kids getting bent or whether it’s something innocent that’s been photoshopped by a bored head. And by ‘head’ I mean a habitual user of illicit drugs. Get hep to my jive please.
Speaking of jive- It’s been a stretch between Merde Du Juors.
Now, our friend Anna does this really cool postcard/magazine thing with her sister Tess. It’s called Abe’s Penny.
Basically you subscribe to Abe’s Penny and then every week you get a postcard in the mail! Here’s a better explanation-
“Each issue is a series of four postcards featuring a narrative that unfolds in sequence, one part per week. The narrative is a combination of photographs and text, in the format of a traditional postcard. Collectible and temporal, the cards vary each month, with a different artist and writer collaborating on each issue.”
I think we’ll be contributing in the future. Check it out!
What else, what else… I found this album cover that looks a lot like me… I was heavily spooked. look at that fucking konk!
The dude totally dances like me too!
Well, now you know what I look like. Disappointed? So was my mother. Boom-boom.
You have to check out this record if you haven’t already (you must have, right?). I know it’s hella-old news, but right now I can’t get enough… It’s really, really good. Is it good? Maybe I’m losing it. Maybe dementia is settling into my skull like a black octopus in a Greek urn… That reminds me, my moms is on Facebook now, which is weird. I spoke to her today about it and she complained that she doesn’t know “how to play it.”
She’s nuts. I rang her one day and she picked up the phone laughing. I could hear people laughing in the background too. Eventually she calmed down enough to explain that she, her sister (my aunty) and my father had been given some pot brownies by the next door neighbor. “What’s dad doing?” I asked, “Oh, he’s just… coasting.” And then more hysterical laughter. I hung up.
Aaaaaaanyway, better scoot down the post office. Have a great weekend. Behave.
Here’s another one of those stupid chats I’ve been having with faceless strangers. Ridiculous.
Our buddy Hunter Stephenson turned in this epic interview with LA punks Mika Miko. Check it out or else.
Photo courtesy of Fu-ya.
Hi Mika Miko. The theme is summer. The style is short-and-sweet and honest-like. When was the last time you played miniature golf drunk? Go!
Michelle: I have never done that. I prefer to be stone cold sober so I can do the batting cages afterwards.
Jennifer: Never! I would get too stressed out and leave…
Jenna: Outside of Columbus, Ohio in a place I believe was called Reynoldsburg. Me and [Mika Miko’s new drummer] Seth went to the Strange Boys’ La Quinta swimming pool and drank some mimosas. And then afterwards me, Seth and [Strange Boys’] Greg Enlow went to a mini golf place where they rode go-karts, and I just played arcade games. Most of them turned out to be broken. But, at one point, I went into a cave on the golf course links that was unexpectedly cool inside. It was like a real cave…but made of cement.
Mika Miko opens a putt-putt course. What’s the theme?
Michelle: Zombies. You get chased…by zombies.
Jenna: Tons of caves.
What are your favorite kind of sox to play in or relax in.
Michelle: Black sox that are kind of stretchy.
Jennifer: Cashmere sox!
Jenna: Bichon Frise sox.
What is your favorite Black Flag album cover and why?
Michelle: Loose Nut. Why not?
Jennifer: Slip It In. Because it is funny.
Jenna: Who?
How many turkey sandwiches have you had thrown at you on stage or otherwise per your song called “Turkey Sandwich”? Describe the sandwiches in terms of quality and fixings.
Michelle: Last night the first one was thrown. It happened on the same day that Sky Saxon, Farrah Fawcett, and Michael Jackson died! This particular sandwich was simple: bread and turkey. Greg from the Strange Boys ate it. After it was all over the stage.
Jennifer: Yeah, Greg ate it after it had already fallen out of Seth’s mouth and onto the floor for the second time.
That is disgusting! Follow up: Turkeys are allegedly intelligent animals. You eat them? This is a very silly question, not a vegan thing.
Michelle: I was a vegetarian for seven years. I broke my veg with a turkey sandwich shortly after the song was written. Subliminal.
Jennifer: I only eat “tofurkey.”
Jenna: Certainly!
Which smells better: a turkey sandwich, your favorite suntan lotion (specify) or Mr. Zog’s Sex Wax?
Michelle: Turkey sandwich.
Jennifer: Suntan lotion! That kind from Whole Foods that had lavender in it.
Jenna: Um, who smells a sandwich? Zog’s Sex Wax. I smelled it just now for the first time.
Have you ever seen or purchased a baby shark floating in formaldehyde in a glass tube in a beach shop? Thoughts?
Michelle: NOOO! I hate sharks so I would definitely be into this. I am into getting a shark skeleton for my living room. I like shark teeth.
Jennifer: Nope. But I did buy a glass tube filled with shells and sand from the beach once.
Jenna: On my mantle there are three preserved animals. One of them is a bat in a jar, floating in a liquid that gets lower every few months from evaporation. Half his wing is out in the air now.
Which movie have you seen more times: Ladies and Gentlemen, the Fabulous Stains or Foxes? And which is better?
Michelle: Stains. Black Randy. The end.
Jennifer: Oh my god! Foxes is so good. I totally forgot about that movie!
Jenna: I’ve seen both of them once, but Foxes got tiresome toward the end. What about Foxfire?
We can’t accept Foxfire as an answer. What is the fastest that your thoughts have ever raced and did you enjoy the sensation?
Michelle: This one time…I almost OD’d on K. I sat in front of a toilet for three hours talking to a tape recorder, trying to record my thoughts. I told myself I couldn’t die for three hours.
Jennifer: It was the worst moment of my life. I wanted to die. I was being chased by a crack head in Texas at like 2 a.m. It was like The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
Jenna: Sometimes when I’m trying to go to sleep or stay asleep…I like it if I have a way to document it. Otherwise…it feels like God taunting my feeble mind. Michelle’s tape recorder comes in handy.
Think back to when you were younger. You have to date one for a year: Edward Furlong or Brad Renfro? And, naturally, why?
Michelle: Nick Stahl. We saw him in Austin while we were at SXSW. He was in Whole Foods. But back to your question, I think I would pick Renfro. He has a sweet face. [Note: he’s dead, he doesn’t have a face.]
Jennifer: Most def Edward. He is a hot commodity.
Jenna: I’m into older guys, like Jerry Lewis.
Have you ever gotten high on good weed to the point where you thought you were reptilian or found yourself intrigued by lizards? Discuss.
Michelle: Um, I have been in the same room with people talking about reptilian stuff so I guess I am guilty by association.
Jennifer: No, but there are times when I was high and wished I was the pistol shrimp if you know what I mean.
Jenna: I mostly think about people. Lizards, that’s a given.
Does Mika Miko melt in August or go into hibernation? The band seems like a summer entity. Truefax?
Michelle: I hate summer. I like winter only. I hate the heat. If I could, I would stay with my family in Argentina June through August.
Jennifer: Oh, I love the summer. And for sure, I hibernate in the winter.
Jenna: We chop wood all winter because the cold comes in spring where we live. We’re also into canning.
The last band I interviewed with this many girls was Fannypack. Is that bad?
Michelle: No. I don’t know who that is.
Jennifer: We had a vannypack for our van on our last tour. They should hang out.
Jenna: I meditated and saw our vannypack in the shape of god. Is that bad?
Probably. What is the true meaning behind your words, “Too cute to puke?”
Michelle: The true meaning is that we know a dude who is so cute you cant imagine him puking…
Jennifer: Yeah, so we were like, “Ohmygod, you are way too cute too puke.”
Jenna: I still don’t know who this guy is. How cute can he be? Remember Jerry Lewis?
Wooooo‘s logo is a bed-sheet ghost with a cock. What would you do if you came upon a ghost with a cock?
Michelle: I would put another sheet on him and have him pitch a tent.
Jennifer: Ahahahaha! Michelle, what you just said is AMAZING.
Jenna: If he died of old age, I’m in. More experience.
What really happened to Air France?
Michelle: That shit blew up.
Jennifer: The Real LOST.
Your band is still fascinated by the premature spectre of JonBenet Ramsey?
Michelle: Her death was so tragic.
Jennifer: Because her dad totally killed her. And I’m really into graveyards.
Jenna: She looked just like a little lady.
What is the closest you’ve come to being slimed?
Michelle: Watching Double Dare. Duh.
Jennifer: When my cat shits on the floor and I have to clean it up. I usually get slimed.
Jenna: This is so relevant. I was just talking about doing a sliming remix of a music video…Getting freshly slimed in every shot.
In two words, what is the greatest thing about summer?
Michelle: Air Conditioner.
Jennifer: Beach Party!
Jenna: Blockbuster Movies.
Mika Miko’s We Be Xuxa is out now on PPM. It does not sound like winter.
Sure.
Remember Bran Van 3000? The van that would help your colon out in the year 3000?
Ha, NO! A band, the first “collective” from Canada fer crissakes.
Check this song:
“Mama, don’t smoke that much dope
Don’t you worry about me?
I only get high about twice a day
It helps me keep the blues away…
Chris said something about all them long-haired Jesus Christ look alikes
Shining down on me
I’m more laid back
I’m more laid back than you
I’m more laid back than you will ever be.”
Exactly, what the HELL are you doing drinking in LA?
DUDE the Magic Castle will trip on your ass!
Your balls will disappear!
Bags of vine tomatoes for a dollar means!
Wooooo’s© Summer Kitchen®™ Installment 2
This fancy ride is called Tomatillo sans sauce.
Chop up one tomato.
2 garlic cloves, chopped.
Tbsp Olive oil
Oregano and Basil.
Heat up the oil. Toss in the garlic. Tomatoes and stuff. Sauté. After the fire you’ve got yourself a meal.
1967 Grace Slick if you’re listening, we would sauté this dish up for you.
This tune became dislodged from my mind, somehow. Features a tarantula, a cassette tape (look for it!!), drinks, probably some synthetic druggery too, and a vixen. Just like 2009!
Real quick, I’m in Montauk, on the beach every day with a bunch of Buds and some weed, listening to this song over and over.
So good. Hope this version is good. I didn’t check. It has to be.
Talk tomorrow.
How you like my bolds?
We’re getting a bit random with the headings, aren’t we? Yesterday’s heading is a lyric from Black Flag‘s seminal hit ‘Nervous Breakdown’ (sorry for insulting your intelligence, music-dorks.)
Marcus’ post from the day before has a Royal Trux song quote in the heading… I think?
Anyway, sorry if it seems senseless at times.
Here’s my desk, incase you were wondering. How you like my Thesaurus?
Below is that ‘Future of Print’ panel discussion thing I never mentioned because I’m total fucking coward. That’s the Wooooo designer on the right of the big screen, Andre Alfroidicus. In this picture I’m saying, “That’s the Wooooo designer on the right of the big screen, Andre Alfroidicus.”
If anyone else got pics please send em over.
Well, fuck sitting here blogging my sweet balls to pieces. I’m off to the beach!
Classic from the GB’s
Jesus. Did anyone go to that ‘Future of Print’ thing at the ADC last night? The most nerve wracking experience of my life.
Didn’t help that I was hung-over like a bastard.
I didn’t mean to get drunk the night before. Seriously. You know what I’m talking about- You meet a friend, have a beer, then another, then a mojito, then you smoke a joint outside a bar, then you have a shot because someone got out of jail, then you’re driving around the block in a Bently, then your licking a bag…. Horrible….
Anyway, if you caught the panel discussion yesterday, and you weren’t satisfied with my performance, please let me know and I’ll cut you a check for $1.25.
x
Now, ‘Foxy but Worm Food’ This week- one for ladies… and the fruitcakes. Monty Clift!
As I started this mixtape to you, I came across this quote:
“…to be a star is to be a blank screen…a blank screen for the projection of spectators’ phantasmas, dreams, and desires.”
-Thierry de Duve
And MJ got me thinking. Joyce DeWitt too. I don’t know who Terry the Dude is, but I appreciate his viewpoint. All the DUIs and runaway Vicodin abuse stories. And filling ourselves with stuff like ghosts, visions and wants. We’re Morphic Residents. Changing. Adapting. Just don’t wake up one day and find you’ve mutated into a roach. Well, I kinda lost the plot of this post, didn’t I? What is this? An official Wooooo© PSA?
Dear Bastard what stole my bike,
Just kidding, it’s still tethered to a phone pole on the corner of 2nd and Blowme.
What the hell is happening in China? I’m not talking about the violent clashes between the Uighurs and Han Chinese, or the subsequent protests, I’m talking about the government cutting off cellphones and internet access in a bid shut the hole fracas down!
They can turn that stuff off whenever they want? That’s pretty heavy.
Anyway… gotta split for the day, get some fuuuuucking wooooork done, hopefully…
Have a look at this, it’s kinda weird…
Hell of a weekend, huh? The 4th always gets treacherous, especially when you’re stoned on a bicycle haunted by the Jamaican who owned it previously.
That may sound hokey, but you’ve not ridden the perilous yellow contraption I have for a bike!
I got it in the Bronx, through Craigslist, off of some guy with a big storage space and a dirty moustache. It cost $120. The same bike would have cost between $250-$300 down town, so I bravely rode the 6 train up and up and up until there I was, standing in the post apocalyptic nightmare that is the Bronx.
I was terrified! Enormous rats scurried back and forth between burnt out cars. A lame horse staggered round a corner, vomited and then died. Youths clad in baseball uniforms hid in the trees with bats and KISS make-up. I saw a crack-head giving a policeman a blow-job! I saw policeman give a fireman a blow-job! I saw two fireman and an astronaut doing it in a phone booth! I saw the Mayor betting on a dog fight!
I saw nothing, to be honest. It was just like anywhere else on the island only empty and unsettling.
So I got the bike, brought it home, and I haven’t stopped having problems with it since. The guy who owned it before me had scrawled a bunch of incomprehensible ‘Jah Rastafah’ stuff all over it with what looked like green and black nail polish. So, I rubbed it off with nail polish remover and accidently fired-up the curse.
First the brake cables snapped and began whipping at my eyes while I was doing 100 down 2nd Ave. Then a peddle fell off as I negotiated a hairy gap on Broadway. The handlebars came out of the frame once when I pulled back on them. The chain is alive and rattles like an angry snake when I’m not pedaling. It wants to come off and does so constantly.
Flat tires, I’ve had my share.
Spokes freely fall from the wheels and the seat is giving me roids. The gears are a collection of vicious, grease glogged fangs, that would like nothing more than to eat one or all of my fingers as I try to get the chain back on.
It is mean a spirited, uncharitable and thoroughly evil piece of shit. Hopefully some poor sap will steal it.
Before you freak out and start calling us racists- HE started it with his comment about poor people being thieves.
Are tattoos a curse on creativity? Meaning, once applied, does that someone become less creative. Take for instance, Dennis Rodman. Pre-tattoo he was an NBA All-Star and setting rebound records up and down the maple. Post tattoo he becomes a celebrity, dates Madonna, and wears dresses.
Just some food for thought, SPEAKING OF FOOD (insert whammy bar guitar solo sfx)
Welcome to Wooooo’s© Summer Kitchen®™!!! Today…string beans.
First go to a fresh vegetable stand.
Next wash them and snap off the ends, removing the “string” part.
Steam until tender, yet crisp.
Garnish with ground sea salt and fresh pepper.
All food images property of Wooooo ©2009
And on that note, let’s return to the tattoo dilemma as we leave you to contemplate a pre-tat Dave Navarro, and just how amazing this band was before tattoo’s led him to the Red Hot Chili Peppers, Carmen Electra, and directing Sasha Grey. Or is it the other way around? (p.s. Before you get your panties in a knot we like tattoos and condone any and all application). Happy 4th!
My ol’ lady’s outa town so I’m building a fort in the kitchen out of pillows ‘n shit… not ‘shit’ shit, I mean ‘stuff’. newspapers and blankets and stuff.
That’d be a fairly impenetrable fortress though…
There’s been a lot of noise recently about the economy and how much it sucks gorilla balls. Frankly, I haven’t noticed. I was broke in 1999 and I’m still broke now. Nice and fuzzy and broke. Come and warm your hands against my abject poverty. Mmm-mm. So good.
I’ll be attempting to swim to New Jersey on acid again next week, if anyones interested. I’ve been training a whole bunch and this time- I think I’ll make it. You remember last year I got chased by a pelican with a chocolate saxophone? Well, this year I’m doing it blind folded.
You see all this? This is what I write and then delete before I post. It’s my warm up. It’s like Diamond Dave doing squats back stage at MSG in 1980. It’s almost exactly like that except no one wants to wring the sweat out of my sequined leotard and make a Cosmopolitan with it. Oh god, Cosmos. I could really go a Cosmo right now, or a Manhattan. Now there’s a drink, a man’s drink! Don’t be fooled by the cherry, thats a red ribbon for a lightening bolt! Those things fuck you up- and how.
Alright cats, I gotta chase a dollar bill across the desert… Wait! Check out this record if you get a chance. It’s one of our all-time favs.
Johnny Marr is all over it. Worth checking out.
Here’s the second single from the album-
Bye!
