Hell of a weekend, huh? The 4th always gets treacherous, especially when you’re stoned on a bicycle haunted by the Jamaican who owned it previously.
That may sound hokey, but you’ve not ridden the perilous yellow contraption I have for a bike!
I got it in the Bronx, through Craigslist, off of some guy with a big storage space and a dirty moustache. It cost $120. The same bike would have cost between $250-$300 down town, so I bravely rode the 6 train up and up and up until there I was, standing in the post apocalyptic nightmare that is the Bronx.
I was terrified! Enormous rats scurried back and forth between burnt out cars. A lame horse staggered round a corner, vomited and then died. Youths clad in baseball uniforms hid in the trees with bats and KISS make-up. I saw a crack-head giving a policeman a blow-job! I saw policeman give a fireman a blow-job! I saw two fireman and an astronaut doing it in a phone booth! I saw the Mayor betting on a dog fight!
I saw nothing, to be honest. It was just like anywhere else on the island only empty and unsettling.
So I got the bike, brought it home, and I haven’t stopped having problems with it since. The guy who owned it before me had scrawled a bunch of incomprehensible ‘Jah Rastafah’ stuff all over it with what looked like green and black nail polish. So, I rubbed it off with nail polish remover and accidently fired-up the curse.
First the brake cables snapped and began whipping at my eyes while I was doing 100 down 2nd Ave. Then a peddle fell off as I negotiated a hairy gap on Broadway. The handlebars came out of the frame once when I pulled back on them. The chain is alive and rattles like an angry snake when I’m not pedaling. It wants to come off and does so constantly.
Flat tires, I’ve had my share.
Spokes freely fall from the wheels and the seat is giving me roids. The gears are a collection of vicious, grease glogged fangs, that would like nothing more than to eat one or all of my fingers as I try to get the chain back on.
It is mean a spirited, uncharitable and thoroughly evil piece of shit. Hopefully some poor sap will steal it.
Before you freak out and start calling us racists- HE started it with his comment about poor people being thieves.