Last year I did this “Holiday Gifts Guide” thing for Vice. As usual, I got paid peanuts (either because they’re cheap or I’m a monkey), but I was clever enough to balance out their “cent-per-word” rate by requesting samples from the companies I was effectively giving free advertising to. Before I go any further, I’d like to say fuck-you to the watch company that didn’t give me a free $6000.00 diver’s watch, despite the fact I said nice things about them.
Anyway, one of the companies that furnished me with free shit in exchange for my thumbs-up was Fleshlight. They sent me a discreet, yet massive box full of stuff to help me get off. Just look at all this wankery! It’s a flogger’s wet dream! Have you ever seen so much stuff to put your dick in and then out and then in of? Unfortunately I’ll never know the pleasures of the Fleshlight because masturbating with a latex vagina cunningly disguised as a can of beer is deemed ‘cheating’ by my girlfriend. She hasn’t actually said it, but I’m pretty sure that’s how she feels. Conversely, I would be cool with her owning a vibrator, provided it wasn’t bigger than my dink… so, nothing bigger than a light switch or a cashew. Just kidding. I’m hung like a Yukon moose.
Anyhow, I’ve put my finger in one of the ‘Sex in a Can’ things, the Dracula one, and it feels really, really nice. Like, leave-it-in nice.
Is fingering a latex vampire mouth philandering? I hope not.
If you want some of this crap before my bird makes me pitch it, write us a letter.

Another free thing we got was issue #1 of Will Laren’s new zine SLURRICANE. It’s absolutely hilarious, and you can get a copy HERE!

We also received issue #4 of Born Ugly, issue #3 of Surprise!!! a balloon from “Down with the Biz”, and a bunch of other stuff too numerous to mention, though much appreciated.
Back tomorrow with less jet-lag. Brain working in spurts.
Here’s a song to get stuck in your head.