“Hey Crombie!
I love your magazine. I even ordered one. You’re one talented bloke, and you remind me of myself when I wanted to be a writer, except you seem to be better at it. Copywriter at an ad agency is as far as I got. Which is totally not the same thing. It’s horrible. I hate my job. Except for when you post on your blog. That’s the best part of my day. For serious. So whatever you do… are you listening to me?… DO NOT EVER TAKE A JOB AT AN AD AGENCY! Learn from my mistakes and keep doing what you’re doing.
Oh! The wank kit. Yeah, so my wife is 6-months pregnant and I have not even seen a boob in, well, 6-months. Trim? Forget about it. I can’t even afford a trip to the titty bar due to the low pay modern day copywriters get. You ever watch that stupid show Mad Men? Arrant bullshit! Nobody can afford scotch around here. Anyway, please please please send me the wank kit. My wife would freak much like your ole lady, but I’m getting desperate here.
Don’t write ads, don’t get married, don’t have kids… until you’ve developed high blood pressure and own at least one vintage European motorcycle. Then it’s OK. And send me a flesh light ASAP. Discrete packaging would be appreciated, if I get busted by the Misses, I could very well end up on the street.
- Elmer
Elmer Gentry
** ********* Ave.
Birmingham, MI 48009
PS: Please don’t send the goth/fangs one. You poke it, you own it my friend.”
Congratulations Elmer! The ego-blow-job you just gave me has earned you an actual blow-job… in a can.
Right now the USPS is doing it’s very best to get that weird rubber vagina to your doorstep before your balls explode. Wait. No, I got it wrong. Right now the USPS is filing it’s ridiculously garish nails and rolling it’s eyes to the ceiling because Mrs. Kafoops wants to know why stamps just went up again.
At any rate, it’s on the way, Elmer. Hope you don’t get caught.
I’ve been asked to get the remaining cans “out of the house”, so I’m giving them to a homeless shelter on the Bowery, unless you have a better home for them. Write.
How wrong does that thing look? Very.
Now, here’s that great song we promised we’d play for you.