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February 10th, 2010
Is it weird that every morning for the past three weeks, I’ve woken with a fictitious cowboy song in my head, about a rootin’ tootin’ gun-slingin’ fool by the name of Dick ‘n Balls Jones?
It’s just the chorus really: “Dick ‘n Balls Joooooooones.” That last bit you have to howl like a dog.
It’s easy to be this honest when your audience doesn’t have a face… wait, here’s face-
Dear Mr. Crombie:
As a long-time fan of your magazine and (especially) blog, it would be an unqualified honor to pluck from the ether those words which you and an undoubtedly auspicious interview subject choose to bandy about in a bar, rec room, or telephone line, and set them down on paper for all to read and enjoy.
You will find that I meet many of your qualifications. For example, I have no problem with working from home; in fact, it will be a necessity as I do not live in the New York City area. I am versed in the art of transcribing interviews on the fly from my time as an intern for a little-noticed (now defunct?) environmental awareness group; I conducted a number of the interviews myself, interviews with strange yet heroic men who had been monitoring water purity and salinity in their area for over 25 years. My tasks and role at my current job have familiarized me very deeply with the lot of the pushed-around, so assuming this same position at Wooooo Magazine should be a cakewalk!
I have uploaded a resume and a photo of myself at an Elks Club meeting so that you know with whom you are dealing. If you’d like to familiarize yourself with more of My Work, you can visit my barely sustained blog at teendreem.blogspot.com.
Thanks and Happy Valentine’s Day,
Robert Hershorn
Freakishly (and gratefully) enough, we’re still getting about five of these letters a day. It could be a couple of weeks before we name the new intern(s).
Robert, you’re up there in the top 3%. Thanks for writing.
Now, I watched that movie “Say Anything” last night, and the whole thing, from start to finnish, was totally scripted. Seriously. No one actually said “Anything” at all. I expected John Cusack to come on screen and say, “I’m off to bugger a turtle in the pantry,” or “The postman’s wearing a quiche g-string,” but he just read from a script! They should rename the movie “Say What The Script Tells You To Say.” What a rip-off.
Thin premise for a joke? Shut up. You’ve said stupider stuff.