Despite raising a son, looking after a retarded uncle, writing, illustrating, and running NJ Skateshop, Chri$ Nieratko still finds time to give me fashion advice on a regular basis.
If it weren’t for Chri$, I’d look like Keith Urban (pardon my French).
Now you too can look less like a douche, because we’re publishing Chri$’ advice here, verbatim, in a new weekly thing called…
Chri$,
As you know, I’m in my very early 30s. Can I still wear a baseball cap backwards? My girlfriend says “go for it” but my friends say I look like an adult playing a child in a comedy sketch.
Oh no, no, no, NOOOO, N-O, nay-no, nyet, negative. You shouldn’t even be wearing baseball caps anymore unless youre attending a baseball game and want to fit in.
Grow the fuck up.
Backwards?
hahahahahahha
Lose my email.
But Max Schaaf wears a hat backwards all the time, and he’s gotta be 50!
Hmmm. Good point. But he rides a motorcycle. I think it comes with the leather jacket… And you probably want to wear a fittted hat. Just wear it straight and stop fucking around.
WE’RE IN A RECESSION GODDAMIT, JASON!
THIS IS NOFUCKING TIIME FOR BACKWARDS HATS!
IF MAX SCHAAF JUMPS OFF A BRIDGE, ARE YOU GOING TO JUMP?
what about forwards but with the visor tilted up a-la Suicidal Tendencies?
Bro.
What about just no hat and a sensible haircut?
Now you’re speaking the language of god fearing people everywhere.
DBF, Jason, DBF. Dont Be a Faggot.
Hang on, man. what do you call this?
Thats a hat!
That is a miltary issued hat, worn by a retired miltary man.
If you fall into that category, by all means.
BUT YOU WEREN’T THERE, JASON!
You got no idea what its like to have a man beg for his life, only to laugh at him and you say, “no.”
You’re like the fuckin hat guy on google images!
I used to be a hat model. I got paid for to take those photos.
If youre getting paid to wear your hat,
THEN BY ALL MEANS, JASON.
wear the hat.
stop saying my name in all-caps, CHRI$!
JASON,
all i can say is when it hits the fan
do you want to be wearing a logo on your forehead?
How short should my shorts be then? Right now they’re an inch above my knee, but I think I can get away with going much higher.
Your shorts should never be above your ankle, and by saying that I mean grown ass men should never wear shorts, only pants. If god intended men to show off their legs he wouldn’t have covered them with hair and lard. shorts are a no no. unless swimming, in which case you should change as quickly as possible and run to the water so as not to offend people with your ugly, pastey white or black legs. when finished swimming, run back to your pants and get in them as fast as you can. we are men. we don’t wear shorts.
What about if I just cut the bottoms off my pants so I can get some air on my ankles?
Im going to choose to ignore that question.
What about shorts and then tube socks pulled up to your knees, ah-la Dave Navarrette?
what the fuck is wrong with you?
What am I saying?
No shorts. Period.
Yeah, i’ve seen the baddest dudes run that NoCal look where the shorts nearly touch the tube socks leaving only an inch of leg exposed.
I say, “why bother?” you want to cover your legs? wear pants. not white panty hose.
(If you’d like some advice on what you can and can’t wear- hit me up and I’ll make sure Chri$ helps you out)