Wooooo Magazine

Thieving Bastards.

Crombie — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 16:03:06 +0000

For centuries, a rite of passage for French gourmets has been the eating of the Ortolan. These tiny birds—captured alive, force-fed, then drowned in Armagnac—were roasted whole and eaten that way, bones and all, while the diner draped his head with a linen napkin to preserve the precious aromas and, some believe, to hide from God.

– The Wine Spectator

A friend told me about Ortolan last year and I just had to try it. I flew to France and found a man named Pierre Lá Plu-plu, the world’s number one connoisseur of all things forbidden and edible, and we sat down, cloaked our heads, and ate about three Ortolans each. Disgusting, really, but that’s just how it goes: do you want to be a sponge or a stone?
Bad week. I’ve had two bicycles stolen in under five days. Both of them were nicked at the same spot outside my apartment, and both of them, foolishly enough, were tethered with the same style of Kryptonite lock. Fool me once: shame on me. Fool me twice: I’ll set you a fucking trap. I’ll lock another bike up, but I’ll douse the bugger in LSD 25, and I’ll wait round the corner. And when I’m sure you’ve got enough acid creeping through the skin on your hands to floor an elephant, I’ll come up behind you, tap you on the shoulder, and unload an entire can of Night Defender Pepper Gel into those creepy slits you call eyes. You’ll scream and put your hands to your face, and then I’ll club you over the spine with a cricket bat until I hear the loud crack that means your thoracic vertebrae are damaged beyond repair.
So there it is, you’ll be crippled and tripping for the rest of your natural life, you thieving piece of shit.
As you can probably tell, I’m not very happy. I like riding a bicycle around in summer time, but now I don’t have one because some bastard took it- twice. Fool me once: shame on me. Fool me twice: I’m going to get you.
Keep an eye on the New York Post police blotter for a badly beaten quadriplegic found lying in the street with three Burning Mans worth of acid clogging up his head. Then keep an eye out for headlines that read: DR. JUSTICE-BALLS STRIKES AGAIN! Because I plan to do some other stuff with trips and cricket bats and spines.
You just keep reading, doncha? I feel like I’m wasting your time.

Return of the Cat of the Week

Crombie — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 15:15:19 +0000

Will you just look at this big fat evil bastard? Who cares if he’s being fished into extinction? He’s an asshole.
I used to fish a ton when I was a kid. I’d take my little green tackle box and my little red rod, and I’d trot down to the river behind my house to catch carp; millions and millions of carp, there wasn’t much else. I’d sit idle and alone for long saturdays, throwing the muddy fish over my shoulder like so many unforgivably crappy Christmas presents. They’d land in a pile and flip, and puff their gills, and then, just before they departed for that big river in the clouds, my German shepherd Zeus would roll all over them. Why do dogs roll in stinky things? Vomit, shit, Keith Urban’s discography; Zeus’ love of filth was only exceeded by his loathing of the inevitable hose and shampoo. We may as well’ve kept a pig for a pet. And he was epileptic. There were times when I’d see him shuddering on the ground, and think, “Fucking hell. What’s he rolling in this time?” only to realize he was having a seizure. Sad.
Anyway, the short lived- and kind of whatever- ‘Cat of the Week’ is back! Can you believe it? We haven’t had a cat of the week since 2007. Crazy.
We got this in the mail today-

Dear Wooooo,
This is my cat Froggy. He should be cat of the week becasue his name is Froggy and he eats icecream and Doritos and he only has one eye. We found him in the back of my brothers coffee shop in Raleigh NC. He was a stray and looked skinny and we thought he would die unless we brought him home. He is the best cat ever!
PLease make Frog cat of the week.

Thank You.
-Carl Wiseman.

Thanks Carl! And hello Froggy, you myopic little bundle of mischief!
If you have a cat, and you think he or she is worthy of ‘Cat of the Week’, send us a pic and a few words explaining what is so good about your cat. Or don’t.

In other news: we got this vid in the mail today from Taryn the transcriptionist…
I’m afraid the kids are most definitely not alright.

Disturbed much? Jesus.
Now, you may remember that a few posts ago I was collecting up all the Jim Morrisons on bookface. Well, I’m proud to say I’ve got about 370 now, and some of them are actually real people who just happen to be named Jim Morrison.
Here’s my top three. See you tomorrow or the next day…

Hellegant

Crombie — Wed, 21 Jul 2010 17:06:34 +0000

I know. Shut up. It’s been a crazy couple of weeks. You wouldn’t believe the shit that’s been going down over here. Hectic. We’re really sorry… Why am I apologizing? You probably haven’t been here for two weeks! Where the F have you been, huh? I don’t know why I bother.

Man, do you ever wonder where that body building sax player from The Lost Boys is now? I do. What about Perry Farell’s girlfriend from The Gift: Where is she now? What about Paul from The Wonder Years: Where the F is he? What? ‘Who cares?’ Me, man! Unfortunately.
I just finished reading JAWS for what must be the tenth time. It’s so good. I’ll bet you’ve never read it. No one has. Everyone thinks I’m stupid for recommending it. Well. let me remind you, brother, that the book was on the New York Times best seller list for a year, and then they made it into a movie! Such a rad book. Wait… The asian guy from 21 Jump St: Where in tarnation is that motherfucker? I think he played Bruce Lee in that Bruce Lee biopic, what was it called? They Call Me Bruce? Whatever; it was hilarious. Bruce Lee is great. “He who loses his temper will look like a dickhead eventually” Bruce Lee said that, and I live by it… or at least agree with it for the most part.
Seriously sorry about the lack of activity on the blog. It’s been hard to keep a boner going while all this other shinanigans has been going down. Nothing bad; just busy.
Here’s a song.

Super Loco

Crombie — Thu, 15 Jul 2010 16:58:30 +0000

Hey! They found the remains of a 200 year old ship under the World Trade Centre construction site! How weird is that?
But first, here’s a message from Uncle Dale.

Our buddy Norm has launched an online project called shareyourbadart.com. Basically it’s an online gallery of turds, submitted by anyone who has an embarrassingly bad piece of artwork they created. And it can be anything: a film, a painting, a poem, a sculpture made our of chicken wire; it just has to suck. Norm kicked it off with a song he wrote and recorded at the age of 21 (or so he says) entitled “Out of the Day”. According to Norm, it’s “a song I recorded around the tender age of 21 on a four track recorder – a song influenced by the Velvet Underground, vividly detailing the lethargy that came from shooting heroin in the afternoon – this coming from a guy who’s on a steady diet of cheetos and diet coke, not smack.” We actually dug “Out of the Day”. It’s not bad… Actually, it’s terrible, but that’s good!
Listen Here.
I’ve got a ton of shameful “art” that I’ve “crafted” over the “years”… Just have to dig it up.
What else, what else…
BOOK CLUB!
So I’m reading Tobias Wolff’s Old School again because it’s brilliant. That concludes book club.

Right. I’m off to see the Leon Levinstein show at the Met. Leon Levinstein is an unheralded master of street photography, best known for his candid and unsentimental black-and-white figure studies made in New York City neighborhoods from Times Square and the Lower East Side to Coney Island. This exhibition, drawn exclusively from the Metropolitan’s collection, will feature some forty photographs that reflect the artist’s fearless approach to the medium. Levinstein’s graphic virtuosity—seen in raw, expressive gestures and seemingly monumental bodies—is balanced by his unusual compassion for his offbeat subjects from the demimonde. Really.

High Church of the Holy Dude-Balls Ministries.

Crombie — Tue, 13 Jul 2010 18:46:03 +0000

Our old buddy Porous Walker has made a cartoon! We spotted this over at forestcityrockers. So good!

I Want A Dog That Poops Money from Eighty Four Films on Vimeo.

That’s all. Bye!